


Coded

by neomarxist127



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Explicit Sexual Content, Friends to Lovers, Introspection, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Post-Break Up, Roommates, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:00:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 33,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26841796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neomarxist127/pseuds/neomarxist127
Summary: “So,” Sicheng states after some time. Jaehyun knows immediately it’s nothing good, because he has that mischievous smile of his that is always a warning. “You are helping Johnny get laid.”or,Jaehyun is a good friend to Johnny by helping him to get through his break-up.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 40
Kudos: 140





	Coded

**Author's Note:**

> if you vaguely recognize this fic is bc i posted a version of it here last year. i'm not stealing work, it's mine! i swear lol i decided to rewrite this fic in the quarentine but i lost the account, so i'm posting this new version here. if you recognize it, i hope you enjoy this version better and thank you for reading the fic last year too <3 (it had like 5k, so there's a lot of new stuff lol)
> 
>  **cw:** there's mentions of cigarettes and pot on this fic. there's a lot of drinking here. one character stops another one from coming during the sex scene, it's not forced, but it's not previously discussed as well. be aware before reading it!
> 
> This is a work of fiction. Please, read it as so.
> 
> enjoy it pls!!!

Ever since Ten and Johnny broke up, him and Jaehyun do the same thing every Friday night: put on headbands and sheet masks, and choose an album to listen to while laying down on Jaehyun’s bed, which, according to Johnny, smells better than his, even though it’s six steps away from it and they wash it with the same laundry detergent.

“Emotion” by Carly Rae Jepsen is playing in the background, but neither of the two boys are too focused on it.

Johnny hasn’t let go off his phone since the first time it vibrated, almost twenty minutes ago. Jaehyun is distracted by Johnny, and not so much by the muted Instagram Stories he had decided to watch five minutes after he realized it would take longer than he had thought to Johnny get back to the conversation they were having before.

“I need a blunt,” Johnny declares after some time, putting his phone on his chest and taking off the mask. Jaehyun does the same, because he doesn’t want to be the only one looking like a terrifying panda.

“Why?” He asks, throwing their masks in the trash can at the end of the bed. He has a smile on his face, because he knows Johnny too well and he knows that, in Johnny’s opinion, he is almost always in need of a blunt.

Johnny sits on the bed and looks with serious eyes at Jaehyun, “it’s Ten.”

“How’s that going?”

“It’s kind of the same. We broke up two months ago, and still haven’t gotten back together, I really thought it was a matter of weeks.” He continues, crossing his legs, taking off the stupid kitty headband, making his hair a mess. “You know us, right? How many times have we broken up just to make up again in a week or two? It’s not happening this time, though.”

Johnny’s right, Jaehyun, in fact, knows all about his and Ten’s dynamic. It’s impossible not to, with Johnny being his best friend and roommate, he has seen and heard a lot of fights but also happy and overly cute moments.

Months ago, when Johnny barged into their shared room with red ears and tear-marks on his cheeks saying him and Ten were over, Jaehyun expected it to be solved in little time, but as the weeks passed, it seemed more and more unlikely.

“Do you still love him? Do you want to get back together?” Jaehyun asks, eyeing his friend, who seems too occupied pouting and staring at his socks.

“Yes,” Johnny answers both questions. He avoids Jaehyun’s eyes, his voice barely a whisper, making it clear that’s a secret he is keeping tight. “I mean, me and him, I don’t know how to live my life without him, Jae, he’s my boyfriend, you know? I barely even remember how I was before I started dating him. It’s not right, we not being together, it’s just not.”

Jaehyun nods, without knowing what to say to make it better, but being able to emphasize with Johnny. When Jaehyun met him, Johnny was already dating Ten for more than a year, and, for a long time, Jaehyun couldn’t imagine both of them not being together.

“Were you talking to him?” He points to Johnny’s cellphone. Johnny picks it up, but doesn’t unlock it, just stares at it almost blindly. On the moment of silence before Johnny talks again, Jaehyun turns off the speakers.

“We have been talking a little bit more lately, but it’s not about getting back together.” He raises his eyes to check Jaehyun’s reaction and looks relieved when he doesn’t find any judgment. “Sometimes it feels like every time I talk to him it could be the last one, it feels like we are growing more and more apart. I’m afraid there is no going back from where we are now.”

Jaehyun waits for him to continue and Johnny looks thankful for that, as if he wants to be heard more than he wants any advice. Before he speaks again, he frowns, and Jaehyun is certain that it is unconscious.

“Ten says we should try to date other people, just to see how I feel about it, but it feels wrong just to think about it. It feels like cheating.”

“It wouldn’t be cheating, though.” Jaehyun says, because he senses that the right thing to do is to give Johnny some assurance. “You shouldn’t feel guilty about trying to overcome your break-up. It’s hard enough for you to make it even harder.”

Johnny takes so long to answer, Jaehyun worries he said the wrong thing, and it just increases it when Johnny starts laughing.

“Dating other people will make it so real, though. I just never thought we would break up.” His body is shaking with laughter and Jaehyun is sure his expression forms a question mark. “I haven’t been on a first date in more than three years, I don’t even know where to begin!”

“It’s okay, don’t worry,” Jaehyun feels his ears heating up at the sound of Johnny’s laughter and can’t help it but laugh too. “I’ll help you. We should set up a Tinder account! What do you think about that?”

Before giving him his phone, Jaehyun notices Johnny’s eyes too bright and shiny.

♡

“So,” Sicheng states after some time. Jaehyun knows immediately it’s nothing good, because he has that mischievous smile of his that is always a warning. “You are helping Johnny get laid.”

They are in the café near campus. It is crowded with people, and Jaehyun can barely hear Sicheng under the busy noise. It’s more than clear that Doyoung, Sicheng and Jaehyun weren’t the only ones who thought it’d be a good idea to escape the heat and study at a place with a potent air conditioning blowing the coldest breeze possible down their backs.

Doyoung, worried about the inhumane number of readings he has to do for his PhD program, suggested that they should make a quick meal at the café and just go study at Sicheng’s place. It may not have a last generation air conditioning, but the portable one is better than nothing. He hadn’t taken in account the slow service, though.

Jaehyun doesn’t answer it right away. He searches Sicheng’s face carefully, trying to guess what answer might be the safest one, but the other boy doesn’t let any tips or indication stain his face. Jaehyun places his eyes on Doyoung instead, asking it for guidance, but his expression is almost as empty as Sicheng’s, dignifying Jaehyun with only a blink as he stares at him.

“I wouldn’t put it like that.” Jaehyun decides to say, faking a security he senses they will try to defy. None of them adds anything, so he decides to continue, “I just made him a Tinder profile.”

“Why, though?” Doyoung asks, a scowl and an irritation bleeding on the high points of his face, making it seem that it is painful just to be in Jaehyun’s presence.

“Is that a problem?” He questions, with eyebrows curved down in doubt. Jaehyun is surprised by the tone of Doyoung’s words. “It seemed like a good idea at the time, I guess. Ten told him they should date other people, and Tinder is stupid enough that it’s impossible to take it too seriously.”

At that, both of them let out a laugh. Doyoung airily rolls his eyes, but, when he sees Jaehyun is not smiling, he pauses. The relaxed expression he is wearing immediately transforms, and his eyes turn round and pointy in disbelief.

“Wait, you don’t actually think that Ten was serious, right?”

“What do you mean? Why wouldn’t he be? He was the one who told Johnny to do it.”

“You don’t really think that this break-up is for real, do you?” Doyoung asks. “C’mon, Jae, they always do this. They fight about the most random thing, break up for a while and pretend it’s all finished. But, as soon as we grow accustomed to them not being together anymore, someone walks in on them jerking each other off in the bathroom.”

“Yeah,” Jaehyun mumbles, trying to organize his thoughts. The logic behind Doyoung’s words isn’t wrong. In fact, it perfectly summarizes how Johnny’s and Ten’s relationship fit into their friend group. Still, Jaehyun doesn’t feel totally convinced. “But they broke up months ago, and it never got to the point where dating other people was on the table. They always kept rounding each other, and it is not happening this time.”

“Because they’re dumb.” Sicheng says.

Doyoung looks at Sicheng rapidly, before redirecting his eyes back to Jaehyun’s face. He pauses for a moment, and it’s clear that he is thinking about the right words to say to Jaehyun. It throws Jaehyun a bit off his feet, not expecting this care from Doyoung, and not sure what compelled him to give it to him.

“It’s probably just taking longer, Jaehyun, but it’s what they always do.” Doyoung runs his fingers through his hair, trying to get it off his face to cool a little bit down. “I just think, I know, actually, how hurt Johnny would be if he saw Ten with someone else, and, even though Ten suggested it, it’s very complicated.”

There’s not much Jaehyun feels like he can say it. When he speaks again, his tone sounds defensive even to himself, but he can’t control it. “Johnny seems to think it’s really over.”

“And maybe it is.” Doyoung says, nodding his head, Jaehyun can see that he believes it may be the case, remotely. But Doyoung doesn’t contradict himself. “Still, we shouldn’t get in the middle of it. It’s not our place, especially when the past tells us they’ll get back together.”

“It’s complicated.” Sicheng adds, trying to fill the silence. Jaehyun can’t do much but agree, but he’s not sure he actually does.

♡

The talk with Sicheng and Doyoung doesn’t leave Jaehyun’s head. Instead, it comes and goes in waves. Sometimes they’re weak, and other times aggressive, bringing him a feeling Jaehyun can only identify as guilt.

It is the first Friday night that he and Johnny don’t spend at their place and listen to music since the break-up. Jaehyun can feel his ears burning at an erratic beat on his pulse from the thoughts flashing through his mind.

Johnny is on a date, with a guy he met on Tinder. Jaehyun is at home, sitting on top of his bed, trying to focus on the Harry Styles’ self-titled album playing in the background.

It proves itself to be a very difficult task, because Jaehyun is unable to let go of the feeling that he is helping to ruin Johnny’s life. More specifically, separating soulmates by manipulating Johnny into accepting his and Ten’s break-up. Jaehyun is afraid that, after the date, Johnny will think that too, and will rage against Jaehyun, for being such a terrible and selfish friend to him.

When, later at night, Johnny enters their bedroom, Jaehyun feels his heart freeze on his chest, the cold sliding down to this stomach. He is surprised to hear his own voice, how shaky it sounds. “How was it?”

“I thought you didn’t like this album,” Johnny says, ignoring Jaehyun’s question. He takes off his watch and puts it in his drawer inside their wardrobe. “Didn’t you say it was too ‘daddy-ish rock’ for you?”

Johnny turns from the wardrobe and looks at Jaehyun with a warm and humorous smile, and the feeling of relief that grows in Jaehyun’s chest is palpable. Johnny doesn’t seem to be mad at him. Instead, he walks across the room, and lies down on Jaehyun’s bed, closing his eyes and sighing deeply. But, as Jaehyun turns around and slide his eyes to look at Johnny’s face, he can notice how tired Johnny looks, there is a frown between his eyebrows and a pout on his lips.

“Harry Styles is growing on me, I guess.” Jaehyun answers distractedly, without taking his eyes off Johnny’s face. Johnny smiles, still with closed eyes, letting out a chuckle.

A heavy silence installs itself between them, and the sound of music coming from Jaehyun’s speakers suddenly feels too loud and out of place. Jaehyun turns it off, using his phone. He isn’t sure if it was the best idea, though, because of how much clearer the tense atmosphere becomes in the completely quiet room.

“Are you okay?” Jaehyun asks, whispering.

Johnny opens his eyes before speaking. The way they immediately find his eyes, and how cloudy they look with unidentifiable emotions, surprises Jaehyun. “I don’t know, to be honest.”

Jaehyun nods, licking his lips, as he takes a deep breath, trying to think about how to help Johnny, or, at least, how to make him comfortable enough to talk about what is bothering him. He decides to change his position in the bed, and lies down on his side, to watch Johnny’s profile. Johnny, although, moves on the bed, to, also, lie on his side, and he stares at Jaehyun’s face deeply.

“Why haven’t you tried to date since Doyoung?” He asks, and Johnny’s voice is so low that it’s barely a whisper.

The question takes Jaehyun by surprise, and he immediately feels his ears and the sides of his face flush. It’s not hard to figure out why Johnny is asking him that, but, Jaehyun knows, Johnny’s and Ten’s relationship isn’t comparable to what he and Doyoung had. Jaehyun can’t offer Johnny an advice based on his experience. Just the thought of explaining that to Johnny, though, makes Jaehyun want to run away.

“It never felt right, I guess.” Jaehyun chooses to say, looking at Johnny unsurely. “I don’t think there is an exact, or even deep, reason, Johnny. It is just something I never did.”

“Would you date someone now, though? If you thought they were nice, and you liked them?”

“Yes, I would.” Jaehyun says truthfully. “There is nothing stopping me from dating. It’s just something I didn’t really do, but I would, if I found someone nice, I guess.”

“And how do you find someone?” Johnny asks, after a few moments. There’s a hint of bitterness and laughter on his voice, a mask that clearly reveals that he is in pain. “Today, on the way back home, I was remembering how I met Ten, and, I thought, ‘it’s never going to be that easy again, right?’ I’m never again going to randomly sit next to someone at a lecture, deeply fall in love with them and decide, after two months, that they are the person I’m going to marry. That is not my life anymore.”

“I hadn’t realized that, when I lost Ten, I also lost that stupid young love naivety as well.” Johnny continues, and his voice sounds wavy and stuffy, all of the anterior sarcasm gone. “It hit me so hard today, though. I feel like I lost everything. I lost Ten, I lost almost five years of my life with him. I lost that security that I had, that feeling that, even if everything went to shit, I’d still have someone by my side, backing me up.”

Jaehyun presses his teeth on his lower lip, an acid sensation growing on the end of his stomach, born out of the feeling of incapacity to help. It is terrible to see Johnny hurting, and Jaehyun doesn’t know what to do to make it better.

“I’m so sorry that you feel that way, Johnny.” Jaehyun says, looking into Johnny’s eyes. “I don’t know if you’ll ever feel like you did with Ten again, but I’m not sure you are supposed to. I think that there are many kinds of love, and ways of loving, and that the one you had with Ten it’s just one of them, but it isn’t the only one, and it isn’t the last one as well. You will find something better, that won’t make you think that not having the first love kind of rush it’s a bad thing, because it’ll make sense, and you are going to enjoy it so much more.”

Johnny doesn’t say anything after Jaehyun stops talking, just stares at Jaehyun, with eyes shiny and deep. For a moment, their bedroom is completely silent, and then Johnny shifts his position again, to lie with his back against the mattress, and the sound of Jaehyun’s bed creaking with the change of weight fills up the quiet room. Johnny sighs, and presses his hands against his face, rubbing the palms of his hands against his eyes.

“It’s very hard to believe that sometimes,” Johnny takes his hands off his face to look at Jaehyun, and the top of his cheeks is a light shade of pink because of the pressure applied to it. “Today was so hard, because it was the first time that I actually realized that, what Ten and I had, it’s really over. And, it showed me that I’m not ever going to get over Ten if I don’t work for it. I can’t keep lying to myself, saying that one day I’ll suddenly wake up and not even remember about him, or, even worse, tell myself that it’s just a matter of time until we get back together.”

“Do you really think there is no chance of that happening?” Jaehyun’s heart feels erratic, and the question slips out of his lips before he can control it.

Johnny turns his face to Jaehyun and smiles. It’s not a happy smile, but a defeated one, with a depreciating hint. “I’m sure of it.”

The surge of emotions on Jaehyun’s chest surprises him. Johnny’s words make him sad, because of how obvious it is the pain that they are causing him. It’s clear by the tone of Johnny’s voice, by the sadness in his eyes, by the stressed lines of his face. Still, the feeling of relief comes so clearly and unabashed to Jaehyun that he feels ashamed. And, even as he tries to convince himself that the only reason for it is the satisfaction of being right in the discussion with Doyoung and Sicheng, the guilt that comes into Jaehyun’s chest and stomach doesn’t let him completely lie to himself.

♡

Jaehyun guesses it is funny how used one can get to change.

Johnny stops spending every Friday night with him. Instead, he starts to go out to enjoy, as he sarcastically says, with an undeniable hint of truth, his “new single life”. He usually hangs out with Yuta, or their friends from work, or goes on dates with people that he matched on Tinder and was able to hold a not-so-awkward conversation for four days straight.

In a way, it reminds Jaehyun about how things were before the break-up. Jaehyun stays at home, catching up with his readings, or listening to music and watching TV. Sometimes, he goes out with Sicheng, Doyoung and Taeyong for cheap beer and barbecue. He was used to Johnny spending the weekend away, and their friendship has always been more about the quiet intimacy of a safe space than anything else.

The main difference about how things were before is that, now, he’s woken up at the middle of the night by Johnny climbing on his bed after arriving home from his night out. Usually, Jaehyun is only awake for just enough time to notice him, before falling back to sleep. But, sometimes, he and Johnny talk, – mostly Johnny, - about his night and how it went. Jaehyun listens to him, enjoying the waves of his voice, nodding with closed eyes at the right times, interested, but too tired to actually engage on the conversation.

On the next day, Jaehyun always wakes up before Johnny. He never remembers, though, when Johnny left his bed to change into his pajamas and lay on his own.

Jaehyun has been feeling tired during the week. Even though it is summer vacation, Jaehyun is still working at the SMU Library, trying to make a little more money covering the shifts from the employees that went home during the break. So, when he is woken up by Johnny’s weight moving the mattress, he soon closes his eyes again, trying to get back to the dream he was having before.

“Jae, are you awake?” Johnny’s voice interrupts his attempts. Jaehyun immediately opens his eyes again, wary, since Johnny only talks to him when he can clearly see that Jaehyun doesn’t want to go back to sleep. “I want to tell you something, but it can wait if you’re too tired.”

Jaehyun sighs, shifting his position in bed to face Johnny. He is tired, but his curiosity takes the best of him, allowing him to ignore his tiredness. When his eyes adapt to the darkness in the room, Jaehyun can see Johnny looking at him with intense eyes, obviously holding himself from spilling everything that he wants to talk about. “Just tell me.”

“I went on a date.” Johnny says, and it sounds like a question as it leaves his lips.

“I know,” Jaehyun affirms, trying to sound reassuring, but not really knowing what Johnny really wants to say. “With that sous-chef, right? She has that cute food Instagram, you showed me.”

“Yeah. Her name is Nayeon,” Johnny answers. He sounds tense, and Jaehyun can feel his body irradiating heat. Before Johnny speaks again, he licks his lips. “I kissed her. We kissed.”

“Oh,” Jaehyun isn’t sure of how to react. It is impossible to read Johnny’s expression, his eyes are too confused to let out anything. “How do you feel about that?”

It takes a while for Johnny to answer. He takes his eyes off Jaehyun, redirecting them to the celling. It is clear that Johnny feels unsure and torn about his feelings, and that he doesn’t know how to start to organize his thoughts to express himself. Jaehyun waits patiently, looking at Johnny’s profile as he thinks.

“It’s a bittersweet feeling, I guess. I don’t know how to name it, but it’s like finding something you’ve lost, but only after you already bought another one.” Johnny responds, and he turns to look at Jaehyun again, searching for a reaction on his face.

“It makes sense.” Jaehyun says, not looking away from Johnny’s eyes.

“She is the first girl I kissed since I was sixteen, I think.” Johnny continues, and his voice sounds stronger. “The first person I kissed since Ten, too.”

Jaehyun knows that. A lot of months ago, when him and Johnny were both drunk and high at the backward of a party, Johnny had told Jaehyun that he had always thought he was bisexual, but that he couldn’t see himself with a girl anymore. Not even in threesomes, which Ten would be totally down for, Johnny had blurted out. Now, he could only see himself with Ten. Jaehyun also knows that Johnny hadn’t kissed anyone since Ten until tonight, because he knows that Johnny would have told him.

“That’s a big deal.” Jaehyun whispers, “how are you feeling?”

“I guess it feels weird.” Johnny answers. He lowers his eyes, not looking at Jaehyun anymore, too focused on the thoughts running through his mind. “It feels weird to feel myself getting over Ten. I’m not even going to see Nayeon again, but just making out with her today was a sign, an indication, I don’t know, that I’m getting over him. Ever since we broke up, it’s like Ten was a heavy suitcase that I’m trying to carry around, and, today, I kind of forgot about it for a while. I didn’t even think that was possible.”

Jaehyun observes him, all the sleep gone from his mind. Johnny looks very serious and deep on thought. He is so glad that Johnny is sharing his feelings with him. It feels nice to be able to support him.

“Do you feel good about that? Realizing that you’re getting over him?”

“I don’t know. I’m so confused.” Johnny sounds so tired, and he shifts his eyes again to stare at Jaehyun’s face. There is a clear vulnerability on Johnny’s expression, and Jaehyun doesn’t break their eye contact. “I feel very lost.”

“It’s not so much about Ten anymore.” Johnny continues. He is looking at Jaehyun very intensely, and it is clear that he is sharing something very personal. Johnny is trusting Jaehyun so much, and Jaehyun realizes that with a full heart. “It is, in a way, but not so much. Do you know why he broke up?”

“You know I don’t,” Jaehyun whispers.

Johnny never told anyone, nor did Ten, as far as Jaehyun knows, what the fight that ended up in them breaking up was about. For Jaehyun, it was the first sign something was off. They always told their friends about their fights, rolling their eyes at it, as if it to show how ridiculous they were, but how in love and stubborn they were at the same time.

“He was the one who did it,” Johnny starts. “Ten said it was a long time coming. He said he didn’t recognize himself without being in our relationship, and that we got used to each other and stopped growing. He said that we were in love with a past projection of our relationship and not each other. That we were stalling each other, pretending things still made sense, because we didn’t want to deal with confrontation. He said that our relationship had expired, and just a matter of time until we started to resent one another.”

Jaehyun feels a cold sensation on his chest, shocked by Johnny’s words. Johnny starts speaking again, not giving time for Jaehyun to react. “And he was right, Jae. It’s so fucking clear now. I walk around and it’s like I’m not even myself anymore without Ten, like I lost this big thing that defined me, and I get so angry. How could I let it get to this point? When did I lose myself so much? I look back at how I was with Ten and I can’t recognize myself, but now, without Ten, I also can’t do it. I’m in this fucking limbo, without being sure of a fucking thing.”

Jaehyun can see how anxious and nervous Johnny is feeling, and he has the urgent need to defend Johnny from himself. “It’s okay to have doubts, Johnny.”

“I know, rationally. But I miss being sure so fucking much.” Johnny presses his hands against his face, and the frustration of his feeling is clear on his tone of voice. “And the funny thing is that I was never fucking sure in the first place. I had all these ideas about myself, because I was in this supposedly life-long relationship and thought that meant I had everything in my life figured out. Big shit. I was lying to myself, I have nothing.”

Jaehyun takes Johnny’s hand off his face. Johnny looks at Jaehyun, and he has an almost scared expression on his face. Jaehyun looks into his eyes, trying to make Johnny focus on him, trying to calm him down.

“Johnny,” Jaehyun starts, when he can see that Johnny’s breathing is less erratic and his eyes less agitated. “It’s okay to feel this way. I know it’s scary to feel like the ground was taken away from under your feet, but you are not alone. And I’m not even saying that in a ‘I’ll always be here for you’ way, even though I will. I’m saying that because nobody is completely sure who they are, ever. Don’t pressure or try to convince yourself that you should have this kind certainty. You didn’t have it while you were with Ten, you thought you did, but you were lying to yourself. And, now, you’ve realized that, and it’s fucking scary and terrifying, but, in the end, it is okay. I swear to you that it is, please, trust me. I feel scared too sometimes, Doyoung does too, Ten too. There’s not much we can do. The hard part isn’t not knowing who you are, but living without that paralyzing you.”

Johnny does seem calmer after Jaehyun stops talking, Jaehyun, on the other hand, feels his heart pounding hard against his ribs. Johnny moves his hands and interlaces Jaehyun’s fingers on his. Jaehyun looks at their hands connected, feeling a hot sensation on his head. Johnny eyes are sweet and gentle looking at him, and Jaehyun notices that Johnny has a tiny smile on his mouth.

“Thank you, Jae.” Johnny says, and his voice barely contrasts with the silence in the room. He looks at Jaehyun so deeply, with such vulnerable and warm eyes that Jaehyun has to force himself to not look away. It’s overwhelming, too much, to be stared at Johnny like that, it makes Jaehyun feels like he is bare.

They both stay in silent after that. Johnny doesn’t let go of his hand and squeezes it from time to time. Jaehyun can still feel the beat of his heart on his pulses, but he feels relaxed.

Like always, Jaehyun doesn’t remember exactly when he fell asleep. However, this time, when he wakes up, Johnny is still on his bed, snoring quietly on his right ear, laying on his belly. Johnny’s clothes are different, though, the jeans and button up shirt he had gone out with are replaced by sweatpants and an old shirt.

Jaehyun does his best to not wake Johnny up when climbs out of bed. It works.

♡

Doyoung’s get-together makes Jaehyun aware of two things that he hadn’t been until then.

The first one is that, ever since Ten and Johnny broke up, their group of friends stopped to hang out with everybody together. They started to mainly go out in sub-units. Jaehyun mainly with Doyoung, Sicheng and Johnny, for example. It was never something they were verbally aware of, but, seeing everybody together, it’s clear that is what happened.

Doyoung noticed that too. So, when Jungwoo, his roommate, told him that he would spend the weekend away, Doyoung decided to invite everybody over to his apartment. That means that, after four months, Jaehyun is finally hanging out with Doyoung, Sicheng, Johnny, Taeyong and Yuta at the same place and at the same time, and not over group chats.

Jaehyun realizes how much he actually missed everybody together as he feels his dimples being almost permanently marked on his cheeks with how much he is laughing and smiling.

However, the second thing Jaehyun realizes is that there is a person missing.

Jaehyun gets up from his place on the floor between Johnny and Yuta to go to the kitchen to grab another beer. On the way, Jaehyun passes in front of a big white armchair, and, then, he notices it. He had seen Ten comfortable sitting on top of Johnny’s lap on the armchair at so many nights just like this one. Ten isn’t here now, though.

The realization makes him feel like he is on high alert. He feels his heart knotting on his chest, beating through it, trying to escape it. The feeling is so strong that, when Jaehyun enters the kitchen and sees Doyoung mixing a clear liquid inside a big jar, he feels his hands start to sweat. Doyoung doesn’t acknowledge him, doesn’t even look up, focused on the drink he is making.

“You didn’t invite Ten?” Jaehyun asks, trying to sound nonchalant. It’s impossible, because of the shakiness of his voice. Jaehyun is not even sure why he asked it, the question slipped out of his mouth before he could control it.

Doyoung stops mixing the drink. He turns to Jaehyun, and his eyes are cold and feel like a slap on his face. Jaehyun can feel Doyoung analyzing him, trying to understand what Jaehyun means before answering. Jaehyun feels tense, and stupid, because he isn’t rationalizing his actions and he knows that, if Doyoung confronts him, he won’t know what to say.

“I did, actually.” Doyoung says, at last, shrugging his shoulders. “He is busy and couldn’t make it.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Immediately, Jaehyun feels his chest loosing up. He doesn’t question it, wanting to ignore the feeling of relief that brings him and the reason for it. Jaehyun smiles and nods, mirroring a normality that he isn’t feeling. He opens the refrigerator to look for more beer, and, when Doyoung talks again, Jaehyun feels a cold rush to his stomach so fast that he feels dizzy.

“Why do you care, though?” Doyoung’s voice is hard and icy. “I know that you don’t talk to Ten since he and Johnny broke up.”

A heavy silence installs itself in the kitchen. Doyoung walks in Jaehyun’s direction, stopping a few steps from him. His eyes are so cold and violate Jaehyun so much that Doyoung seems like a giant. All Jaehyun can see is him. Even though Jaehyun’s brain is drowned in a tornado of thoughts, he can’t think about one thing to say, he feels paralyzed.

“What is happening between you and Johnny?” Doyoung doesn’t wait for Jaehyun to talk before speaking again.

The question is like a slap on Jaehyun’s cheek. He feels his whole head burning, and he knows that his ears, cheeks and neck are red. The sensations Jaehyun is feeling is similar to getting woken up by icy water. Doyoung’s face isn’t hard and undefinable anymore. He looks stressed, and anxious, and his almond eyes look so big that Jaehyun feels them pressuring his chest.

“Nothing,” Jaehyun whispers, and his mouth feels dry. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Stop lying!” Doyoung’s voice as a desperate hiss. His eyes are demanding things from Jaehyun that he cannot give. It looks like he is pleading. “It’s okay if you like Johnny, Jaehyun. You don’t have to keep it a secret. Tell me and I will help you.”

“No, Doyoung.” The burning on Jaehyun’s head gets worse, and his voice gets louder. “Don’t say that. Forget it, okay?”

He wants Doyoung to shut up. It feels like an urgent and animal need. It makes Jaehyun’s hands tremble on his sides. Doyoung’s words against him make him feel cornered and guilty. He wants to go back to the living room, where everything is fun and nice. The kitchen feels suffocating and claustrophobic.

Doyoung ignores Jaehyun, continuing to talk with a pressing voice. “Just tell me the truth, Jaehyun. You will feel better, and I’ll help you.”

Jaehyun senses all the emotions he’s feeling being transformed into frustration, and then into anger. The condescending way Doyoung is speaking to him makes Jaehyun’s blood boil. “Shut up, Doyoung! Mind your own fucking business. Stop accusing me of stuff you don’t know anything about.” He says, his voice uncommonly hard and loud.

Doyoung closes his mouth immediately and looks at Jaehyun as if he had grown a second head. However, it doesn’t take even two seconds for Doyoung to recover and starts to speak again. His voice sounds almost like poison, letting all the anger he’s feeling transpire. But Jaehyun is angry too, so he doesn’t tremble as much as he would at any other time.

“I’m not accusing you of anything, you idiot. I’m fucking trying to help you and be your fucking friend. But you make it so hard. You don’t let anyone know what is going on inside your head. I thought it was because, maybe, you didn’t even know it yourself, but it’s actually because your head is too far up in your ass!”

Jaehyun is preparing to answer it, he is taking a breath to respond to it when he is interrupted. Part of him is glad, because, even though he has no idea of what he was about to say, Jaehyun knows it was bad, because he is too mad at Doyoung to have any kind filter. He also notices that there are tears on his cheeks, but Jaehyun is not sure what emotion caused them.

“What the fuck is going on here?”

Jaehyun closes his eyes and sighs.

He can recognize Taeyong’s sharp and cold voice as if it was second nature. The reason for that is, because, for the longest time, it was all Jaehyun would listen when Taeyong talked to him. Jaehyun turns to look at Taeyong’s direction. His stomach drops when their eyes meet, reencountering an expression on the pair of eyes that Jaehyun thought he would never have to endure again.

It’s the same expression that Jaehyun had stared at last year, as he opened his eyes, mid-kiss, to see who had entered the tiny and old closet of the house that the party they were was happening in. Taeyong disturbed the make out session Jaehyun and Doyoung were having, letting the light and the noises of the party that they wanted to escape in. When Taeyong found out about them, his eyes filled with a thick layer of anger and confusion, making a thousand promises and holding too many secrets.

Taeyong is looking at Jaehyun like that again. Jaehyun is sure he only sees him as the guy, the ex, who is fighting with Doyoung loudly in his own house. The sharpness in Taeyong’s eyes, lips and jaw leave no room for doubt. Jaehyun, right now, is the enemy.

Jaehyun leaves Doyoung’s apartment without answering. He loses all of his strength after recognizing the set-up of the three of them tense and defensive, with tight jaws and shoulders, too much. Even though, this time being so different.

♡

“You really aren’t going to tell me why you and Doyoung are not talking, are you?” Johnny states, looking at Jaehyun with a half-smile and happy eyes. There is no actual demand on his words, just a hint of humor.

They are at a cheap bar near their house. Neither of them was in the mood for cooking, so they decided to eat out. It’s a Wednesday night, but the place is packed with people probably trying to enjoy the last days of summer vacation. It’s very hot, and Johnny and Jaehyun are drinking cold beer to deal with it.

Jaehyun doesn’t answer Johnny. He rolls his eyes playfully, as Johnny raises one of his eyebrows while he takes a sip of his beer. Jaehyun looks around the bar, trying to escape Johnny’s knowing gaze.

It’s been two weeks since Jaehyun’s fight with Doyoung. Neither of them took any steps to make amends. And, besides Sicheng, who was deeply affected by their disagreement, having to rearrange the time he used to spend with both of them together in two, none of their friends tried to get in the middle of the situation as well. Jaehyun can’t help but wonder if it is because of the history he and Doyoung have.

“You do know that you can, right, Jae?” Johnny speaks, making Jaehyun focus on him once again. There isn’t any trace of humor left on Johnny’s face, and his expression is sharp and serious, but his eyes are so warm that it almost makes Jaehyun blush. “You can tell me anything. If it’s embarrassing, I’ll laugh and then destroy anyone else that does it, if it’s a crime, I’ll cover for you.”

Jaehyun laughs at Johnny. He brings his bottle of beer to his mouth, and drinks from it, hoping that it will make his ears less red. “Thanks for your undeniable loyalty to me, Johnny.”

Johnny smiles at Jaehyun. He rubs his thumb on the label of his bottle of beer. Even though he looks relaxed, Jaehyun can see that he is choosing his words carefully to talk to him. “I mean it,” he starts. “I love talking to you, and I trust you completely. You don’t have to tell me anything that you don’t want to, but you can tell anything at all. I won’t ever be not on your side.”

“I do trust you. It’s just complicated.” Jaehyun assures Johnny, touched by his words. He feels his heart bigger on his chest, and not in a bad way. “It has nothing to do with trust, and I love to talk to you. You are the person I most like to talk to, to be honest. It’s just, I don’t know, too complicated.”

Jaehyun feels embarrassed and unsettled, and it translates to his skin. He is flushed and sweating, and it has little relation with the bar. He takes one more sip from his beer, hoping it will help to cool himself down. Just the thought of telling Johnny that the fight was about his ex-boyfriend and the feelings Doyoung thinks Jaehyun has for him is enough to make Jaehyun’s stomach curl on itself. It is too humiliating to even think about it.

Johnny looks at Jaehyun attentively. He doesn’t say anything back, just smiles and nods, and Jaehyun knows that Johnny is not going to push Jaehyun to talk about it, he is too good to not respect Jaehyun. Johnny, then, grabs the menu place in front of him, and starts reading it with frowned eyebrows, concentrating on it.

Jaehyun feels a suffocating feeling inside of him, climbing his insides and his throat. He wants to make it clear to Johnny that he trusts him, that he doesn’t take his kindness for granted. It’s overwhelming, and Jaehyun decides that he will tell Johnny, and they will laugh about it together, about Doyoung and his absurdity, and about just the suggestion that something more than friendship could happen between them.

“It’s okay.” Johnny interrupts Jaehyun’s flow of thoughts. He looks at Jaehyun warmly and slides his hand across the table to intertwine their fingers. And, before Jaehyun can say anything, Johnny is talking again. “It’s so fucking hot. What do you think about tequila? It’s refreshing, I guess.”

Jaehyun feels a smile invade his face. He feels so grateful for Johnny, and for how good he is, and for how kind he is. It feels overwhelming to be in Johnny’s gentleness reach area.

Jaehyun looks around the bar once again. He can hear the light buzz of 2016’s Ariana Grande playing in the background, overlapped by the sounds of laughter and conversations of the other people in the bar. Suddenly, the whole night feels so right. Being with Johnny in a shitty bar on a hot evening fills Jaehyun up with such an amazing feeling that he feels like laughing.

Jaehyun is sure that his dimples are on full display when he talks. “I think that tequila is just right.”

Jaehyun recognizes that he and Johnny got too carried away with the margaritas. And it comes from a place of true self-knowledge and self-criticism.

It has absolutely nothing to do, at all, with how long Jaehyun is taking to open their door. Or with the way Johnny had tried to open it before him, and then gave up on it after ten minutes, suggesting that they should go to Yuta’s place to sleep on his bed. He was sure Yuta wouldn’t mind.

“How could we have known?” Johnny exclaims, laughing. Even in the poor lighting of their hallway, Jaehyun is able to notice how flushed his cheeks, lips and the bottom of his nose are. “We found the best margarita in town at that trashy bar. Jaehyun, can you fucking believe it?”

“It was a very well-hidden secret.” Jaehyun responds and cringes right after it. It had sounded very poetic inside his very intoxicated mind. At least, his embarrassment sobers Jaehyun up enough for him to open the door.

“Is there anything that you can’t do, Jaehyun?” Johnny breathily comments, entering the apartment, and immediately crouches down on the floor to take his shoes off. “You are just so smart, and nice, and good at everything. And handsome too.”

Jaehyun doesn’t respond. He attributes the leap made by his heart to the tequila. Surely, it isn’t safe to drink so much of a thing that resonates a burning feeling on the spine. Johnny doesn’t seem to mind Jaehyun’s lack of answer, though. He stands up and, with heavy steps, directs himself to the bedroom.

Jaehyun only finds relief on his chest at that. He is sure that, even drunk, Johnny would be able to notice how blushed his face is. The horrible shadowy-yellow light coming from the hallway behind their closed door would do nothing to cover up Jaehyun’s shame.

Hoping to get his face back to an acceptable and unsuspicious shade, Jaehyun walks into the kitchen. He fills two of Johnny’s mugs up with cold water. The freezing liquid helps with the heat on his face and body, and Jaehyun feels refreshed and relieved after the first sip.

When Jaehyun enters their room, he realizes that Johnny is waiting for him. As much as him splayed out on Jaehyun’s bed with barely open eyes can be considered waiting. The vision makes Jaehyun laugh, and he sits on the bed next to Johnny.

“I brought water for you.” Jaehyun says, looking at Johnny with a smile. “To help with the future hangover.” He stretches his arm, offering to Johnny the mug that is shaped like a frog.

“No,” Johnny grunts, sounding defeated. He moves on the bed, sitting down on it, and grabs the mug from Jaehyun. Johnny’s face is frowned, clearly expressing dissatisfaction. “Don’t even remind me, Jae. Tequila’s hangovers are the worst. Now, I’m terrified of sleeping. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and deal with my poor choices of today.”

Jaehyun lets out a laugh. He lies down on the bed and is able to feel his back thank him for it, relief travels around his body as Jaehyun closes his eyes, almost tingling with pleasure. Jaehyun only realizes that he didn’t say anything back to Johnny, when he senses the room going dark behind his eyes. Johnny has turned off the lamp on the bedside table.

Johnny tries to make himself comfortable on the bed next to Jaehyun, and he briefly wonders how cozy can it really get. It seems impossible for two tall men to get snug on a tiny bed, with their pants still on. Jaehyun tries to force himself to stop thinking, because he can already see where his trail of thought is going, and Jaehyun really doesn't want to arrive there.

He, absolutely, doesn’t want to overthink about why Johnny chooses to sleep with him most nights, when he has a perfectly fine bed a few steps away. Jaehyun, definitely, doesn’t want to do that drunk. Or sober. He doesn’t want to do it at all.

“Jaehyun,” Johnny whispers, interrupting Jaehyun’s internal rumbling, which he is very glad for. “Can I ask you something?”

Jaehyun thinks Johnny can do anything he sets his mind to, but he’s not drunk enough to say it out loud. “Yeah.”

“It’s about your fight with Doyoung.” Jaehyun opens his eyes and turns to look at Johnny. He is already staring at Jaehyun, with a pout on his lips and very heavy eyes. Jaehyun wonders if he is aware of it. “You can’t tell me to shut up if you don’t want to answer it.”

Jaehyun lightly chuckles at that. “It’s okay. Just ask it.”

It takes a long time for Johnny to talk again. So long, that, for a moment, Jaehyun wonders if he has forgotten what he was supposed to ask. When he speaks, though, Johnny’s voice is very low, and Jaehyun can’t name the emotion that shakes it, even though he can hear it clearly. “Was it because of you three again? Like last year?”

Jaehyun tenses at the question, but he doesn’t have to think twice, or very much, to answer it truthfully. “No.” Jaehyun wonders if Johnny can feel the heat that radiates from his skin. “Me and Doyoung can fight about a lot of things. We have a vast repertory.”

“Okay.” Johnny doesn’t acknowledge Jaehyun’s attempt at humor. It’s clear that he is trying to organize his thoughts, and, when he speaks again, his voice is barely a whisper. “I know it must be hard to see them together.”

“It’s really not.” That’s another thing Jaehyun doesn’t need to think twice to know is true. “I mean it. There are things that can be harder.”

Jaehyun can tell that that throws Johnny off his feet. Johnny doesn’t say anything else for the rest of the night. Even though Jaehyun can sense him deep in thought next to him, until he drifts off and sleeps. Johnny’s snoring is louder than usual, because of the alcohol, but it doesn’t bother Jaehyun.

Jaehyun wonders why Johnny doesn’t seem to understand it. If it is because he is too drunk, or because he can’t relate to it. Jaehyun urges for it to be the first one.

♡

Jaehyun wakes up with the sounds of a heavy hand banging on the front door of the apartment.

He looks around and finds himself alone in the bedroom, it takes him a few seconds to figure out why that is. He relaxes again when he remembers that Johnny had gone out with Yuta to a new club they haven’t stopped talking about for the last two weeks.

He’s already dozing off when he hears the same sound again. This time, although, Jaehyun is alert enough to realize that he’s supposed to answer the door, but he’s too sleepy to think about why there’s someone making so many noises at ass-o’clock at night, so his surprise is only bigger when he sees who’s waiting for him in the hallway.

He knows the boy in front of him is Mark Lee, because when the student council’s elections were happening, Jaehyun saw him and his friends putting up anti-capitalist posters all around the walls of the campus. He also knows that him and Johnny are friends, because Johnny comments about Mark from time to time. What Jaehyun doesn’t know why he is at his door.

“Hi, you are Jaehyun, right?” Marks starts talking as if someone had pushed a button inside of him. Jaehyun is almost startled, still recovering from the shock of seeing him.

“I recognize you from Johnny’s Instagram, he always zooms in on your face on his Stories,” he continues, as if it is a normal conversation, “you are taller in real life, do you know that? I guess you can say that from anybody who’s in photos with Johnny, he’s just too tall, he makes everyone look tiny next to him.”

Jaehyun is inclined to believe he’s still dreaming, but the way Mark is looking at him makes it clear he doesn’t have a pair of fluffy white wings and isn’t going to fly away any time soon, so Jaehyun tries to deal with him in the best way he’s capable of, “do you need anything? Are you looking for Johnny?”

For a moment, Jaehyun thinks he didn’t say the right thing, but before he can ask, Mark is smiling again, as if he had understood something. “Johnny is here, actually, we can’t find his keys, that’s why we were knocking on the door.”

Johnny’s image expels any trace of sleep from Jaehyun’s mind.

He sees him when Mark grabs his arm to pull him off the wall he’s leaning on behind the half-opened door, wall that, apparently, is very important to his balance, because as soon as he doesn’t have it to support himself, he relies on Mark, making the other boy almost lose his – and Johnny’s – balance.

“C’mon, bro, I told you to not put all your weight on me.” He whispers, rolling his eyes.

Jaehyun can’t take his eyes off Johnny. He has never seen him like this, he looks like shit, his hair is greased up and pointing in directions he has never seen it do it before, the mustard shirt he’s wearing has a darker patch in the middle, Jaehyun realizes it is from spilled alcohol when the smell hits his face.

“What happened?” He asks Mark, his tone sounds aggressive even to his ears, but the boy doesn’t seem to mind, as he doesn’t change his facial expression.

“I don’t know, dude, when I found him he was like this already,” Jaehyun can tell Mark is not satisfied with his answer too, that makes him feel more at bay, “he just told me he wanted to come home and talk to you, I think. He wasn’t making much sense, to be honest, it was a pain in the ass just to get him to say his address to the driver.”

Jaehyun feels his curiosity spark at that, but there are more urgent matters, “where was Yuta?” He wants to bombard the boy with questions, but it’s obvious he doesn’t know more than he already told, and, besides, it wouldn’t help anyone but himself.

Mark tightens his mouth in a line before speaking again, “sorry, dude, I don’t know, he was alone when I found him.”

They are distracted by Johnny’s mumbling, Jaehyun is too far away to hear, but, from the looks on Mark's face, he didn’t get either. “Do you want me to help you with him?”

“No, it’s okay, thank you.”

He gives a light pull on the arm Johnny doesn’t have thrown on top of Mark’s shoulder, and when Johnny looks at him, Jaehyun is almost sure is the first time he recognizes where he is, because he lets Mark go and hugs Jaehyun as if he had missed him deeply, “Jae,” he whines, planting a wet kiss on his cheek, and just by the heat behind his face, Jaehyun can tell he is scarlet red.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to help? I can, it’s no big deal,” Mark insists, with a worried facade, and Jaehyun is touched by how much he seems to care about Johnny, but before he can answer, he’s interrupted.

“Mark.” Johnny says, as if he had said this same thing thousand times, maybe he has, because Mark rolls his eyes as if he had heard it before, but Jaehyun can see the tiny smile on the left side of his mouth.

When Johnny starts talking again, he has his face turned to Jaehyun. “Did you know he has a guy waiting for him in the Uber? You should have seen it, Jae, they were heading out, kissing and stuff, and then Mark finds me drunk and sad as fuck outside the club and decides he has to take me home, and he says to the guy, ‘just one stop before we can fuck’, you know? And the guy just shrugs, like it’s the most normal thing your one-night stand to give a lift to his homie before he sucks your dick.”

Even though Mark laughs, Jaehyun can tell he’s embarrassed by the redness on the tips of his ears, “you are so wasted, bro.”

Jaehyun decides to intervene before it gets worse, “you can go, Mark, I can handle him on my own.” He tries to repress his cheeky smile before continuing, but from the way Johnny laughs, Jaehyun is sure it doesn’t work. “Go enjoy your night.”

“Yeah, okay,” the boy agrees, his face torn between embarrassment, relief and uncertainty, but he seems to make up his mind when Johnny shoos him away as if he was a cat.

“Okay! I’m going, I’m going!” He’s still laughing when he turns to Jaehyun, “can you remind him to text me tomorrow? Just to check if he didn’t die, or whatever.”

“Sure,” Jaehyun agrees at the same time Johnny takes a step forward next to him, “of course I’m going to text you, I want to know how big Yukhei’s dick is!”

Mark clearly decides to ignore Johnny, just waving goodbye to Jaehyun before turning into the corridor the elevators are. He waves back, feeling his heart much softer to the boy than it was when he first saw him at the door.

“I want to sleep with that purple hoodie you have.” Johnny says for the third time.

“Okay, but you have to take a shower before, you smell really bad.” Jaehyun answers for the third time.

After Mark is gone and the door closed, it takes ten minutes of coaxing to convince Johnny to not dive straight into the couch and sleep, and fifteen more to convince him to not do the same on his bed, but Jaehyun is finally able to pull him into the bathroom to take a shower.

“Don’t say mean things to me.” Johnny whines. He’s sitting on top of the closed toilet lid.

“I’m not, I’m sorry. It’s just the booze and the sweat on your shirt,” Jaehyun says, trying to repress a smile.

“Fuck, you’re right.” Johnny nods his head and sniffs his shirt, taking it off and throwing in the direction of the laundry basket, missing it. Jaehyun takes advantage of that to unglue his eyes off his friend’s chest. It looks kind of wet and his monkey brain can help it but imagine that it must be sticky at touch.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” He asks, picking the shirt up and putting inside the basket.

“Like you told me what happened between you, Doyoung and Taeyong?”

Jaehyun doesn’t answer it, but his eyes beat at Johnny with shock, he feels a cold sensation of shame on his stomach. The snarl on Johnny’s face immediately loosens and, with a sigh, he stretches himself and takes Jaehyun’s hand to bring him closer, positioning him between his legs. The interaction sobers him up, because when he looks up and speaks, his voice is much lower and calmer, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that, I didn’t mean it. I’m just stupid.”

When Jaehyun doesn’t say anything, Johnny runs his fingers through his hair. After a few moments of staring between them, he squeezes the hand he didn’t let go and interlaces their fingers. “Ten is dating again. I saw him at the club today.”

A hot sensation he can’t name fills his vessels. It resembles so much like comfort Jaehyun gets scared. He was never mad with Johnny, but every sentiment of awkwardness or vulnerability dissipates, being replaced by the fiery sensation.

“Did he tell you that?” He feels a kind of hunger, anxiety of the want to know.

“He fucking introduced me to the guy,” Johnny says, his eyes wide. “His name is Kun, he is taking his Master’s degree in Law, can you imagine Ten with someone who is in Law School? And he looks so fucking good, Jaehyun, you should see the way Ten looks at him. It’s like he’s in love.”

Jaehyun feels his brain working so fast he can’t even formulate a thought coherent enough to express it out loud. He squeezes Johnny’s hand tight, as an indication of comfort. Even though Johnny’s eyes don’t leave Jaehyun’s, as if he’s trying to decipher what the other is thinking, that seems enough for him to start talking again.

“How do you do it? How do you see Doyoung and Taeyong and are okay with it?” Johnny talks as if it pains him to ask, as if he’s ashamed. Jaehyun understands, he probably saw this coming and wanted to ask it for a long time, but never found the right time. Now, though, there isn’t space for subtlety, nor time, he seems desperate.

“It’s not the same, Johnny.” His voice sounds shaky even to himself. He forces himself to not unlock his eyes from Johnny’s. “What you and Ten have – had, - it doesn’t compare to Doyoung and I, it was different.”

“It was worse!” Johnny’s voice is loud, he has a deep frown between his eyebrows and his eyes look vivid. “He fucking dumped you to be with Taeyong! He didn’t even care, you guys had barely started dating and he discarded you when Taeyong asked him to.”

They never really talked about it. At the time, Jaehyun never made enough room for it, preferring the silence and recoiling into himself, and Johnny never asked anything from him, he just made himself an ever-present silent company. Now, though, he wonders if it was not good enough for Johnny, if he had things he wanted to say, but never said it to not intrude in Jaehyun’s space.

“It was not worse, Johnny, please.” Jaehyun is sure of it, he feels an urgent need to make Johnny understand. “I didn’t love Doyoung the way you love Ten. It was nothing like that, I knew Doyoung would never even like me as much as he loved Taeyong, I made peace with that.”

“Why the fuck did you do that, Jaehyun? That’s not enough for you, how can you not know that?” The stress Jaehyun is sure Johnny is feeling makes its way through his skin, the top of ears, cheeks and chest turning a light shade of red.

“I don’t know, Johnny! I guess I just wanted to be in a relationship, to feel loved somehow.” The tension on the tiny bathroom is almost suffocating, and the hold Johnny still has on Jaehyun’s hand feels at the same time grounding and overwhelming.

“That’s why it is not the same, Johnny. Doyoung and I didn’t love each other, we used each other, he thought Taeyong would never love him back and I made myself available to be a distraction.” Jaehyun feels so ashamed and vulnerable, but he obliges himself to not look away from Johnny’s questioning eyes. “The sadness I felt when they started dating wasn’t because of the love I felt for Doyoung, it was because I felt like I was not good enough to be a rebound.”

The silence left after Jaehyun’s words changes the atmosphere completely. The air, before so rarefied, feels as a slap on the face, the full force of it beating between them. Where, before, Jaehyun felt so big and trapped, a breeze chills the sides of his body, making him feel like he’s in a large, open and empty room.

The expression on Johnny’s eyes is not the same. It isn’t fervent or anxious anymore, instead, it has an understanding calm underneath it. When he speaks, his voice is almost sweet.

“It isn’t so different.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ll always love Ten. He’s the first person I loved, but it isn’t about that.” He says.

Jaehyun feels grounded and he nods, letting out a deep breath quietly.

“I’m not in love with him, or love him like I used to do anymore. What hurts me is feeling like I don’t have what it takes to be in a relationship. I mean, the problem with Ten and I wasn’t the relationship, wasn’t the dating, he has no problem with that, it’s me that’s the problem.” Johnny continues, “I wasn’t enough for him, he wanted more, he wanted to be in a relationship where he could grow freely with the other person and I couldn’t offer him that. I was stuck and I ended up locking him down with me.”

“Don’t say that, it’s not like that,” Jaehyun whispers.

Before he knows, he disentangles his fingers from Johnny’s and closes the space between them. He supports his arms on Johnny’s shoulders, letting his fingers pet the hair behind his ears, in a comforting motion. Johnny’s skin feels hot at touch, Jaehyun’s own drags on top of it because of the drying sweat, a light smell of late at night street, booze and cigarettes comes from it. None of that bothers Jaehyun, the need to be close to Johnny growing on his chest.

Johnny smiles lazily, his hands trail the way to squeeze either side of Jaehyun’s hips.

“It is, though.” He answers, his gaze warm. “That’s why it hurts so fucking bad to see him with someone else. It’s a reminder of what I’m lacking. It’s not about him, it’s about my failure. Sometimes I feel like I’m never going to truly know myself, that I always will have this doubt, that I will make the same mistakes I made with Ten with every other person I date.”

“You are never lacking, it doesn’t work like that, Johnny.” Jaehyun says, and Johnny looks ready to disagree, but he doesn’t give him a room to speak. “There isn’t a future you who is finished, you just keep growing and learning. You don’t need to doubt yourself, just the fact that you’re doubting it’s the proof you have grown.”

Johnny looks at Jaehyun like he’s out of words to say – maybe he is, because he just moves his hands enough to hug Jaehyun’s hips. Jaehyun is surprised at first, but he soon runs his fingers through Johnny’s hair, trying to make the silence between them more comfortable.

“I love you so much, Jaehyun, you know that, right?” Johnny says after some time, looking up, his chin supported on Jaehyun’s lower belly. The chills Jaehyun feels are not coincidental. “You are the best person I know.”

It’s so easy for Jaehyun to answer it, that, instead of tranquilizing, it is baffling. “I love you too.”

Jaehyun leaves the bathroom at that, with the excuse that he’ll give Johnny privacy to take a shower. Johnny nods, and thanks him, squeezing Jaehyun’s hand again before letting it go. When Jaehyun enters their bedroom, he searches for the purple hoodie Johnny said he wanted to sleep in, and he leaves it on top of Johnny’s bed.

It’s easier to tell himself to not think about anything than actually doing so.

Jaehyun tries hard to fall asleep before Johnny gets out of the shower and comes into the bedroom, but he can’t. He feels like his mind is on a race, becoming impossible to focus on a single thought for more than a second.

Jaehyun also feels hyper-alert to every noise coming from the rest of the house and the street outside. But, despite that, when Johnny enters quietly in their room, he’s still surprised by it, although relieved that he’s facing the wall, so Johnny can’t see him rapidly closing his eyes, pretending he’s asleep.

He doesn’t flinch when he feels Johnny laying down next to him under the covers of the bed, he is too used to it by now. He does flinch when he feels Johnny’s arm across his waist, connecting his warm chest to Jaehyun’s back and locking their ankles together. Jaehyun doesn’t think he could ever grow accustomed to that, it feels too much like hope.

♡

Jaehyun ignores the short music from his phone indicating that he received a text, and the way the walls from his stomach seem to freeze. Jaehyun knows from who the message is and, even without looking, he knows what it says. It’s probably the fourth one in the last hour.

“Guys, it’s almost nine o’clock.” Jaehyun says, softly. The familiarity of the situation stables his shaking hands and warms his insides. “You really have to go now.”

At the beginning of the semester, when everybody’s schedule was being defined by their boss, Jaehyun was unlucky enough that he ended up with the worst shift at the SMU Library: at Saturdays, from four o’clock of the afternoon until eight o’clock of the night.

For Jaehyun, though, the worst thing about it is the fact that he has to work by himself, because of how little movement the library actually has on the weekends, - not even Rosé, with whom he shares most of his shifts on week-days, is there to make him company and offer him a soft distraction at the most boring hours, filling the gaps of silence talking about music and about her and Lisa’s relationship.

Nevertheless, Chenle and Jisung are able to make the shift not so tedious for Jaehyun.

Every Saturday afternoon, the two high schoolers use the SMU Library to research about old Welsh folklore and Ley Lines. Jaehyun doesn’t really understand it, or even dwells too hard on it. Jaehyun finds both boys endearing enough that he doesn’t ask them to leave at eight o’clock like he does with everybody else. Instead, Jaehyun lets them keep reading and whispering to each other, while he organizes the library to close it for the day.

“You didn’t even turn off all the lights yet,” Chenle quietly mumbles, trying to argue. Jaehyun knows it’s more for habit than for actually wanting to contest, because he already is picking up after his and Jisung’s stuff, as Jisung tries to tidy up the table by brushing the easer’s dust out of it to fall on top of the carpet.

“If anyone tries to borrow these during the week, I’ll hide them for you.” Jaehyun assures the two boys, giving them a playful wink and picking up the books scattered around the table. Jaehyun really does mean it, but he doubts he’ll have to prove himself: nobody, except Chenle and Jisung, was ever interested in the books they picked.

They nod at the same time, smiling, as Jisung waves his left hand. “Bye, Jaehyun, see you next Saturday,” Chenle wraps his fingers around Jisung’s wrist to guide both of them out of the building.

As the teenagers leave, so does the feeling of Jaehyun’s comfort. He doesn’t have a lot of things left to do at the library, and Jaehyun feels like the motives for him not checking his messages are running out, so, after putting Chenle’s and Jisung’s books on their right shelves, he picks up his phone.

**johnny**

**[7:49PM]** Hey jae, the party is about to start, u sure you cant close the library earlier today??

 **[8:11PM]** Its 8!! Are you getting ready?

 **[8:34PM]** Where are u? Are you coming at all?

 **[8:47PM]** Youre missing the 80s playlist :(

It doesn’t matter how much Jaehyun doesn’t feel like it, of course he is going to the party. For the past two years, Yuta and Sicheng have celebrated their birthdays together at Yuta’s apartment by throwing a Halloween-themed party. It feels out of question to skip it, and Jaehyun knows for sure that, if he did, Yuta and Sicheng would never forgive him for it, unless something horrible had happened – like death, maybe not even that, probably something worse.

Jaehyun knows he took too much advantage of working until late on Saturday nights, and also of Chenle’s and Jisung’s hunger for eccentric knowledge. It doesn’t take too much self-reflection for him to admit that the reason why he is stalling so much to go to the party is because he doesn’t want to go to it.

A lot of reasons, some abstract and some more concrete, flash on Jaehyun’s mind justifying that. Doyoung’s face, although, is the clearest of them all, and, not coincidentally, the one Jaehyun most doesn’t want to think about.

It seems impossible not to, though. As Jaehyun changes from his regular clothes to the costume he planned fifteen minutes before going to work earlier that day, he is sure the size of the tiny employee restroom isn’t the motive behind the feeling of suffocation located at the beginning of his throat. Jaehyun senses the middle of his chest as if it’s burbling in acid, and there is no logic behind how frustrated he feels, it’s all raw feeling.

The memory of Sicheng and Yuta’s last party comes into Jaehyun’s mind without his control or consent. At the time, Jaehyun and Doyoung were still dating, and they had just finished watching “Avatar: The Last Airbender” the month prior, so Jaehyun went dressed up as Sokka and Doyoung as Zuko.

Jaehyun feels heat emanating from his face and tries to focus on buttoning up the shirt he chose to wear, making way too much of a point to not mess it up. It’s a futile, but half-efficient, way to distract himself from the burning humiliation that uncurls at the bottom of Jaehyun’s stomach.

A few hours ahead, a year ago, Doyoung was agitatedly rubbing a cotton soaked with make-up remover on his face as Jaehyun observed him, seated on top of Doyoung’s bed, not fully realizing how tense his boyfriend really was. Suddenly, Doyoung stopped and turned around to face Jaehyun, and the strained atmosphere surrounding him didn’t match his words, he just wanted to know what Jaehyun thought of the party.

He had fun, Jaehyun remembers saying. At the time, Taeyong’s refusal to speak to either of them, especially Doyoung, didn’t seem to be more than a passing inconvenience, and the numbers of times Jaehyun had caught Doyoung staring at Taeyong had been just odd, but not a big deal. Jaehyun’s own stupidity was not lost on him when, less than a month after that night, Doyoung broke up with him, explaining that Taeyong had realized he reciprocated Doyoung’s feelings.

As if that memory isn’t enough for Jaehyun to never want to leave his apartment again, the fact that he’ll meet Doyoung for the first time since their fight at the stupid party just makes him feel like throwing up. If Jaehyun is being honest with himself – and, he has no reason to not be, since probably it doesn’t get any lower than freaking out at the employee’s restroom before a party, – he knows he is afraid.

It’s the most cold and awkward their relationship has ever been since Doyoung broke-up with Jaehyun, with the justification that he couldn’t not try to make things with Taeyong work, how he had thought he would never even have the chance to actually do it.

Jaehyun is afraid their friendship won’t survive this fight, that they finally took it too far and that the rope tying them together had finally burst, sending them to opposite sides, breaking off without chance of repairing anything they had groomed together.

It does shock Jaehyun to see his own reflection on the big mirror on the wall behind the sinks after he opens the door of the too tiny bathroom stall. The reason for that has much less relation to the fact that he forgot about the mirror, or how flushed and dewy he looks, as if the anxiety he’s feeling has not found enough space in his tormented mind and had to bleed out through his skin, making itself clear on his face, ears and under his armpits. Jaehyun is shocked, because having a materialized existence just doesn’t seem right for him at the moment.

Maybe he is crazy. Sometimes these kinds of thoughts invade his mind and they make sense, – until they don’t, until he has calmed down enough and everything seems way more blurred and less serious than it appeared before. Right now, it doesn’t seem like that yet, and Jaehyun feels exhausted and tired, and he can’t believe he has enough energy to do anything other than endure the chaos inside his mind, much less exist in a tridimensional form and worry about the way he looks.

Jaehyun splashes some cold water on his face and ears, hoping it will cool down his temperature and decrease how hot his skin feels to the touch. That isn’t much he can do about his armpits, the sweat makes itself known through his shirt, and Jaehyun hopes it dries down enough to be invisible before he gets to Yuta’s apartment.

As he takes deep breaths, Jaehyun feels himself calming down. The frequency of his heartbeats doesn’t feel so erratic anymore, and its feeling in his ears has died down. Looking at the mirror, Jaehyun sighs, he looks unpolished and uncouth, but he hopes he can pass it as a result of getting to the party straight after work. He doubts anyone will truly notice his apparency and ask about it, anyway.

The ring of his phone receiving a new message in the echoing room is what triggers Jaehyun to start moving. Without checking it, he puts the iPhone inside the front pocket of his backpack, then takes it off of the hanger behind the bathroom door stall. He knows who the text is from, and it’s the incentive he needs to leave the library.

When Jaehyun arrives at Yuta’s apartment, he can easily tell that he is too late. From how many people are squeezed together between the television and the sofa, in a tiny square serving as a dance floor, defined mostly by a rug, Jaehyun knows the party is on its peak. He also can hear Kali Uchis’ “angel” coming from Yuta’s fancy speakers, contributing to a flirty and sensual ambient, – Jaehyun is familiar enough with Yuta and Johnny’s choices of music to realize that the beginning of the party, marked by fun and casual songs, had already passed.

There are people in costumes scattered all around the place, but before Jaehyun can even start to recognize which one of them is Johnny, his vision is pulled almost violently to the improvised dance floor. If the music playing in the background wasn’t confirmation enough of Jaehyun’s own lateness, what he sees is the definitive affirmation of it.

He can only spot Sicheng in the mess of bodies on the badly illuminated, by pink and blue lights, dance floor, because of how bright the yellow raincoat he is wearing is. Jaehyun isn’t sure of what he is dressed as, – Jonas from “Dark”, or Coraline, maybe even the little kid from the opening scene of “It”? Way too many iconic characters use that piece of clothing, – but he is a hundred per-cent sure that Sicheng is very drunk.

Sicheng is probably the most reserved of Jaehyun friends, and perhaps only one. It’s something that Jaehyun always appreciated, not taking for granted the introverted company in the sea of loud and obstinate people in their friend group. Nevertheless, Sicheng’s low-profile is tested every time he gets shit-faced drunk, and it rarely wins, and he usually ends up with a mean hangover and bright red on the tips of his ears from shame the next day.

And, even so, Sicheng is far from being a lightweight. It is a rare sight to see Sicheng drunk, much less so drunk to the point of risk losing his quiet demeanor. It does not happen easy, or especially fast, it’s a work of many hours and many beverages.

So, Jaehyun knows for sure he took way too long to get to Yuta’s apartment when his eyes catch Sicheng making out with a skinny and shorter boy, clearly not wasting too many thoughts about the people around both of them, as one of his hands grab and squeeze the boy’s ass underneath his pink shorts, leaving a part of his cheek exposed to the room, as Sicheng’s other hand scraps the boy’s nape, guiding him to able to lick into his mouth.

Despite the occupation, Sicheng must get the feeling that he’s being observed, because he unlatches his mouth from the boy’s and takes his hand off his ass, making the fabric fall into place, covering the boy’s small butt as he looks around. The skinny boy seems confused, sliding the hands previously in Sicheng’s hair to his chest, and, even from far away, Jaehyun can see the frown between his thick eyebrows. Sicheng notices it too, and he pulls the boy closer to him by his waist.

Before Jaehyun is able to wave to get his attention, Sicheng’s sharp eyes are directed to Jaehyun’s face. Every trace of distrust and animosity on his expression is wiped out, being replaced by big and sparkly eyes and a shocked smile. Turning, Sicheng whispers on one of the boy’s ears, who looks at Jaehyun curiously, and then nods, leaving after smacking Sicheng’s cheek with a kiss.

Sicheng walks out of the dance floor with his eyes glued on Jaehyun. Although he is smiling, Jaehyun can’t help but feel tense. Every one of Sicheng’s traits is usually amplified by high volumes of alcohol, including his fiery tongue and words, and the way he always seems to know much more than he lets out to.

“I really did think you wouldn’t come this time,” Sicheng exclaims, getting closer to Jaehyun. He puts his hands on the top of Jaehyun’s shoulders, squeezing them, the smile on his face is playful. “I even said it to Johnny and Doyoung, but they said you weren’t crazy enough to not come, but I don’t think they realize some of the crazy shit your brain can do.”

Jaehyun’s cheeks are red, and he is so, so glad the only lighting on the room is from the smart lamps that turn neon on command that Yuta crazily bought despite being expensive and utterly useless.

He is embarrassed by Sicheng’s perception of himself – one, that, he can’t help but agree, remembering how freaked out he was when getting ready to the party, – but, also, that his absence was noticeable enough for Johnny and Doyoung to comment on, and, worse yet, be right. Jaehyun would never not come to Yuta’s and Sicheng’s birthday, he’s too afraid of letting them down or making them angry. Jaehyun can’t help but wonder if he lets the mess he is sometimes inside transpire out and show itself in an accusatory form to everyone he meets.

“Who’s the guy you were kissing?” Jaehyun decides to ask, hoping it will distract Sicheng, sparing him of having to answer or comment on what he had said.

It doesn’t seem like the right move, though. Sicheng’s eyes are instantly surprised, but he soon turns them into slits as a tiny smile appears on his mouth. Jaehyun lets out a confused noise when Sicheng grabs his elbow and takes off with him deeper into the apartment.

“Do you want something to drink?” Sicheng questions, after leading him into Yuta’s kitchen, closing and locking the door behind them. Without waiting for Jaehyun to answer, he grabs two solo cups from a pile on top of a tiny desk.

The lighting in the kitchen is very different from the living room. It’s stark white and bright, leaving nothing to hide. Jaehyun can observe clearly the raining boots on Sicheng’s feet and the dragonfly pin on his hair, – he is, in fact, dressed up as Coraline then. The kitchen is, also, chaotic, the floor is dirty with some kind of drying liquid, probably some kind of beverage, and there are tons of cups and empty bowls with only crumbs inside placed on every surface. Jaehyun decides to keep the backpack on his shoulders.

“Are you sure it is okay to lock the kitchen?”

Sicheng doesn’t look at Jaehyun as he answers, too focused on pouring vodka, gin, run, tequila and Coke inside the two blue cups. Jaehyun is glad Sicheng can’t see the face he’s making. “Yes, don’t worry, it’s just for a little bit.”

When he finally finishes preparing the drinks, Sicheng stares at the cups for a few moments, evaluating his work. After a few moments, Sicheng does seems satisfied with it, as he takes one of the cups to his mouth and drinks some of the brown liquid, while offering the other one to Jaehyun, who takes it, but is discouraged to taste it because of its burning smell hitting his nostrils.

“What are you even dressed up as?” Sicheng stares confusedly at Jaehyun, as if trying to solve a puzzle. Before he can even answer, Sicheng is talking again, ungluing his eyes off Jaehyun’s outfit and pointing them at his face, “that was Xiaojun.”

There’s a beat of silence between them after Sicheng speaks. Jaehyun feels winded and unsteady by the laps on Sicheng’s discourse, making it difficult to follow his train of thought, leaving Jaehyun feeling vulnerable, as if he has little to no agency in the conversation. Sicheng’s expression isn’t pristine as well, even though he is smiling, Jaehyun knows it doesn’t translate what he is bowling inside.

“He looks cute.” Jaehyun dumbly says. He feels an obligation to break the silence, – he knows Sicheng can stay in silence a lot longer than Jaehyun is able to bear.

“Yeah, he does,” Sicheng says, and his smile looks real. It’s no longer sharp, but relaxed.

He takes a seat on one of the colorful stools under the small round table in Yuta's kitchen. There is a scraping noise that overlaps the muffled music coming from outside the room, and, when Jaehyun looks around to search from where it came from, he realizes that Sicheng had pushed the stool across from him with his foot, offering a place to Jaehyun to sit.

Jaehyun does sit on the small colorful furniture, and Sicheng finishes his drink as Jaehyun puts his own full blue cup on top of the table. Sicheng crumples his cup, before throwing it inside the metal garbage bin behind him. He is still smiling, and Jaehyun recognizes a peace offering when he sees one.

“I can’t believe you don’t know who Xiaojun is,” Sicheng says, his voice a little bit rough from the drink, but his eyes are big and wide and there is a tiny, but surprised curve on the corner of his lips. Jaehyun feels the urge to apologize, but stops himself, Sicheng doesn’t look like he wants to be interrupted. “But I guess it makes sense, there was really no opportunity from you two to meet, since you’re avoiding both Ten and Doyoung.”

Jaehyun knows judgment when he hears it. In Sicheng’s voice and words, he finds none. It’s clear to Jaehyun that Sicheng is just stating facts, as if assuring that there’s no reason to pretend when the truth is so, so clear, – and that is from where the feeling of shame on the top of Jaehyun’s guts come from. Again, Jaehyun questions how transparent he really is and what spills through him without his own control.

“Ten introduced Doyoung and I to Kun and his friends,” Sicheng continues to talk, his tone bent on an explanation. He turns on his side to support his back against the kitchen wall. “They are really nice, actually, really fun, Xiaojun is kind of shy in the beginning, though. Anyway, with the fight, and Doyoung’s family-sized pride, and you avoiding him like the plague, I started to hang out with them.”

Jaehyun doesn’t need to formulate an answer, because Sicheng doesn’t give him a space to talk before asking, “you know who Kun is, right?”

“He is Ten’s new boyfriend.” Jaehyun nods, “Johnny met them last month, he told me.”

Sicheng confirms with his head. For a moment, they are both silent, the noise from the music and the party coming stuffy through the kitchen door, imposing itself on the room. Jaehyun feels the same way he does when leaving the university campus late at night, a sentiment of hollowness that makes him agitated and nervous.

“I know shit is complicated right now. With you, you and Ten, you and Doyoung, you and Johnny.” Sicheng’s eyes feel so, so heavy on Jaehyun’s face. It takes a lot of effort to keep looking at him while he speaks, and Jaehyun feels very tired. “But a lot of things changed, Jaehyun, and you don’t have the whole world on your shoulders, some things just happen. And, I know it feels like the only thing you can do is isolate yourself, but you really don’t have to do that. You can talk, you should talk, and people want to listen, and talk too.”

Jaehyun listens to Sicheng attentively, and it’s abundantly clear that nothing he’s saying is new, or unplanned. Jaehyun wonders with whom Sicheng has talked about it – about him – before, and, more specifically, which one was of the two most obvious options it was: Ten or Doyoung, the two of them? Together or separately?

All of the possibilities leave a cold aftertaste on Jaehyun’s stomach. But, when he thinks about Ten discussing his feelings and behavior, in a compassionate manner, with curved eyebrows and sparkly eyes, his elegant hands and the silhouette of his pretty nose, Jaehyun almost wants to cry.

Jaehyun wonders when the thought of Ten became so associated with the feeling of guilt to him, – and, no matter how much Jaehyun tries to reason with himself, to convince himself that he has nothing to feel guilty for, he can never quite believe in it enough to lift the heavy weight off his back.

“Yeah, okay,” Jaehyun feels stupid, but he doesn’t know what, or how, to say the things that he feels and thinks. Honestly, he’s not even sure that there are words for it, and if he would even want to say them. Jaehyun’s voice is raspy, so he coughs before speaking again. “I’ll think about it, I will.”

“Okay, that’s good, that’s good enough.” Sicheng’s voice and smile are sweet, and Jaehyun finds himself touched by the subtle care and affection being aimed at him. The atmosphere between them is lighter, so, playing with its seriousness, Sicheng speaks again, “maybe you should try to talk with Doyoung today. He is dressed as a priest, so there’s a chance he’ll be very compassionate and forgiving when you tell him all about your sins.”

Jaehyun snorts, “what?”

“Yeah, Taeyong is dressed as Fleabag and Doyoung as the Hot Priest.” Sicheng laughs, rolling his eyes. “They really do think they are clever.”

Before Jaehyun can answer or laugh, there’s a quick knock on the door. While Jaehyun turns around tensely to stare at it, Sicheng just blinks rapidly at it, shifting his eyes back to Jaehyun’s face immediately. “Coming!” He exclaims, but doesn’t make any indication of movement. Jaehyun doesn’t either, stoned in place by Sicheng’s eyes.

“I miss you. You know, the real you, not the ‘meet-you-for-lunch’ you.” Sicheng says, low and soft, and Jaehyun is overwhelmed by the sincerity of it. “I know you tend to leave the biggest part of you for Johnny, but share it just a little bit, yeah? Johnny is not the answer to everything.”

Jaehyun is thrown off his feet. He can’t do much more than mumble and nod to Sicheng, feeling unable to organize his thoughts, being caught off guard by the mention of Johnny and what he chooses to share with him. Jaehyun rationally knows it’s not an accusation, but he feels stripped bare and shamed.

Sicheng looks at Jaehyun again, before standing up. He doesn’t comment on Jaehyun’s obvious change of demeanor.

“Are you going to drink it?” He points to Jaehyun’s forgotten cup on top of the table. Jaehyun shakes his head, and offers it to Sicheng, who takes it with a small smile. “I’m going to go back to Xiaojun, okay? But if you need anything, just come look for me or send a text, yeah?”

Sicheng waits for Jaehyun to answer, a quiet and raspy affirmation, before unlocking and opening the door.

Jaehyun can vaguely hear Sicheng mumbling an apology about the locked door, but his brain doesn’t seem able to focus on it. The only thing keeping his attention is the feeling of exposition caused by Sicheng’s words. Jaehyun wonders if skipping the party wouldn’t have been a better idea: he feels like he has an open wound on his epidermis, with its nerves exposed, and every jab and provocation sting many times more than it usually would.

A female voice drags Jaehyun back from the deep of his mind, “Jaehyun?” When he looks up, Sicheng is already gone, and Jaehyun feels embarrassment grow on his stomach as he realizes he is left alone in the kitchen with Irene and Seulgi.

“I’m sorry, I’ll leave.” He says, awkwardly standing up from the stool. Seulgi is holding two black cigarettes between her fingers, and, from the tone of surprise on her voice, Jaehyun can safely assume they’re trying to get a moment alone from the busy party.

“No,” Seulgi exclaims, approaching him. Irene is pulled by the fingers they have intertwined. “You can stay, if you want. We just were just looking for a quiet place to smoke.”

Jaehyun appreciates Seulgi’s kindness, but still doesn’t feel totally comfortable. He smiles and observes the two of them, Seulgi lighting up the cigarette between Irene’s lips with a pink lighter, before doing it to hers as well.

The only way Jaehyun can tell they are in costumes is because of their camp, and very obvious, accessories. The little devil’s horns sticking out of Seulgi’s hair collide with her chic outfit, same as the fluffy and white halo and wings on Irene’s.

“Do you want one?” Irene’s whispery voice fills the silence up, making Seulgi and Jaehyun turn to her. She takes the Djarum Black’s pack from her tiny purse and shows it to Jaehyun. When Jaehyun shakes his head, she smiles softly. “Did you get here long ago?”

“No, I had just arrived when I met Sicheng.”

Nor Seulgi or Irene give Jaehyun the blasé reaction he predicted. They quickly exchange looks, before Irene speaks again, looking at Jaehyun with round eyes and curved down eyebrows. “Does Johnny know you’re here yet?”

Even though the question catches Jaehyun out of guard, it doesn’t surprise him deeply. Irene and Seulgi (and Taeil) are, in fact, Yuta’s and Johnny’s friends from work, – and only scarcely know Jaehyun because of them. Johnny must have complained about his absence to the couple.

“No, actually,” Jaehyun answers, shifting his weight from one foot to another. “I think I’ll look for him.” The tone of his voice is bended on a question, and Jaehyun is not even sure why. He indicates the door, moving unsurely towards it. Irene watches him with a relaxed smile and eyes squeezed by her cheeks, which doesn’t give Jaehyun any kind of relief of the uncertainty and awkwardness he is feeling.

“He’s on the balcony with Taeil, I think,” Seulgi says, at last. The smoke from her cigarette creates a light cloud in front of her face, and, with the devil’s horn headband, she looks like a horror film lead star.

Jaehyun is not totally inapt, he can catch a hint when necessary. It’s clear Seulgi is giving him encouragement to leave, and he doesn’t even blame her. She and Irene probably want a quiet place to make out and Jaehyun is cockblocking them. “Okay, thanks.” He politely smiles, waving goodbye before exiting the kitchen.

Even if Seulgi hadn’t told Jaehyun where Johnny is, Jaehyun doesn’t think he would have trouble finding him. As soon as he leaves the kitchen and turns in the direction of the balcony, Johnny’s figure is impossible to miss. The main reason for that is not even Johnny, though, but Yuta, and the arcane black outfit and dark make-up he is wearing.

The lighting of the balcony, similar to the kitchen, is very different from the one in the living room. There are no neon lights anywhere, the balcony is only illuminated by the plain yellowish lamps on the ceiling and the glow of the moon, which makes it very easy for Jaehyun to observe what is happening on it. Jaehyun’s eyes ignore almost everything that isn’t Johnny, though, – and Jaehyun briefly wonders what kind of chemical reaction happens on his brain when he sees Johnny, it doesn’t feel ordinary to him how warm his chest gets, or how his shoulders seem to relax in a pavlovian response, a smile on his face involuntary.

Johnny is sitting with Yuta on the pallet sofa at the end closer to the door of the balcony, they are both turned to each other, clearly captured by the conversation they are having. Yuta has his legs crossed on top of each other, and his left hand is busy holding a filled almost to the brim glass of white wine. Johnny is sitting in the corner where the metal bars from the balcony meet, so the wind is stronger on him, hitting his skin and costume, and he also has one of Irene’s black cigarettes lighten up between his fingers.

As Jaehyun approaches the balcony, Yuta is the first one to notice him. As he nods his head to something Johnny is saying, his eyes slide distractedly around the room on the other side of the half-opened glass door, and, when Yuta spots Jaehyun coming towards them, he immediately straightens his back and smiles. It doesn’t look like the smile Jaehyun is accustomed to, it seems sharper and more mischievous, and it takes Jaehyun a little bit off his feet.

Outside the obvious recognition of his expression, Yuta doesn’t give Jaehyun any type of active acknowledgment. He, instead, turns completely to Johnny, crossing a line of personal space to whisper in his ear. It doesn’t take a genius to conclude that Yuta is telling Johnny Jaehyun has arrived, and, even though a soft smile substitutes the frown on Johnny’s face, Jaehyun feels insecure.

“Hey,” Jaehyun says, timidly, after he enters the balcony. Yuta and Johnny watch him with two totally different kinds of smiles on each of their faces. He closes the glass door, mostly to get the impression of control. Jaehyun feels like he is walking on top of a shaky foundation, and he isn’t sure what to say to steady it, “I’m very late.”

Johnny’s reaction isn’t what Jaehyun expected, but it brings him immense comfort. The sound of Johnny’s laugh makes Jaehyun feel relieved of a pressure on the back of his neck. “Just a little bit,” Johnny speaks, a cat-like smile on his lips. He puts the cigarette out on Yuta’s artsy concrete ashtray. “Is everything okay?”

Is it a lie if Jaehyun says that everything is, in fact, okay? Logically, Jaehyun knows it is. The damp feeling of sweat on skin from stress and anxiety is still present to confirm it to him, as the exhaustion of the chaos of Jaehyun’s own emotions, that seems to control him, absorbing any kind of agency that he craves to have. But, as Jaehyun looks at Johnny, handsome in a stupid Naruto Shippuden costume, looking at him with eyes so warm and shiny that Jaehyun can’t believe are actually directed at him, – what did he do to deserve Johnny’s affection?, there is not a thing he remembers, – is very hard to say that things aren’t okay. Not when the mere presence of Johnny has, to Jaehyun, the most calming and comforting power.

Jaehyun doesn’t need to respond, though, because Yuta breaks the silence hanging between them. “What the fuck are you dressed as?” His voice sounds confused, but the hint of humor is clear. “Is it as Johnny when he has to go to the office?”

They all laugh, because, Jaehyun realizes, it is kind of true.

Johnny and Yuta work, along with Irene, Seulgi and Taeil, at a digital media company, that mainly focus on entertainment. Yuta works as an engineer in the Tech Department, and Johnny writes and edits videos for the company’s YouTube channel. Unlike Yuta, Johnny mostly works from home, only actually going to the office when absolutely necessary or there is a meeting. For that reason, Johnny never accumulated a line of fancy suits to show off around the office like Yuta, simply putting on some of the formal and high-end pieces he had collected over the years when mandatory.

“I’m dressed up as Jim, from ‘The Office’,” Jaehyun says, and points to the name tag on the light blue dress shirt he’s wearing, – it’s written Dave. Jaehyun knows it is a lazy costume, but it’s hard to feel guilty about it. It’s hard to feel anything but happiness, for the first time of the night Jaehyun feels like he’s in a secure environment.

“Was I too far off?” Yuta winks, laughing airily. He takes a big gulp of his wine, before putting the glass on top of the end table. Jaehyun can see the marks of Yuta’s fingers interrupting the drops of transpiration on the glass. “Why did you choose such a vanilla costume, Jae?”

“It was the best I could do,” Jaehyun smiles, rolling his eyes. There is no bite on Yuta’s words, and Jaehyun is glad. He actively didn’t put much effort on his costume, stalling until possible to decide it, trying, as hard as he could, to not think about the party. “What are you dressed as?”

From the smile on Yuta’s face, Jaehyun can tell he was expecting this question. “I’m dressed up as Kate Bush dressed up as a bat.” Johnny throws an exasperated look at Jaehyun after Yuta speaks, and Jaehyun can’t help but laugh. It is as pretentious as Yuta makes it seem. Yuta pushes Johnny’s shoulders playfully, rolling his eyes, and stands up from the sofa. “You guys can’t recognize taste, I swear. I’m going to look for Spiderman.”

“Yeah, I bet he knows all about the impact of Kate Bush’s work on today’s pop culture.” Johnny says, but the only indication Yuta gives that he has heard him is his middle finger, before disappearing inside the apartment behind the glass door.

After Yuta is gone, even though there is a group of people loudly talking and laughing at the other end of the balcony, Jaehyun feels like he is alone with Johnny. The sentiment is close to relief, as if it was the destiny of a long journey. It is hard to believe Johnny isn’t some kind of prize, with how happy Jaehyun is feeling.

“Give me your backpack,” Johnny says to Jaehyun, extending his hands.

Jaehyun obliges, unhooking the straps from his shoulders and giving the heavy black backpack to Johnny. He takes it from Jaehyun’s hands without looking at him and puts it on the empty spot next to him on the sofa. Jaehyun feels immediately lighter without the pressing weight against his back, and that maybe gives him the courage to sit next to Johnny, on the place Yuta left vacant.

It’s easy for Jaehyun to notice that there is something keeping Johnny agitated. He can tell it by the glances Johnny throws at him and by the way he clenches his fists tightly and opens his hands again. However, it isn’t awkward. The only thing Jaehyun can feel is an electric sensation starting at his stomach.

“Do you want to know Spiderman’s secret identity?” Johnny asks, after a few moments of silence. Jaehyun nods, mostly because of how pleased Johnny seems to have found a topic to distract himself. “He is, actually, Mark Lee.”

Jaehyun vaguely pictures the younger man’s face on his mind and frowns his eyebrows. “What? I didn’t even know he and Yuta knew each other.”

“I think that one of the perks of losing your drunk best friend on a night out is finding yourself a twink the next day.” Johnny laughs at the expression of confusion on Jaehyun’s face and continues to talk. “Remember when I got shit-faced drunk last month and Mark had to take me home? So, Mark decided to DM Yuta on Instagram explaining what happened, because he was worried Yuta would freak out when he didn’t find me at the club. They have been talking ever since.”

“Johnny, did your unhealthy way of dealing with things bring two people together?”

“I think it did,” he laughs at Jaehyun’s joke. “Yuta invited Mark and let him invite some of his friends too. Didn’t you notice the party is full of babies?” Johnny asks, redirecting his eyes to a triple dressed as “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” characters near the table at the other side of the glass door.

“There’s also that one.” Johnny continues, pointing to the group of people at the other side of the balcony. It’s easy to know who Johnny is referring to, not only because of how young the bronzed skin boy dressed as a gladiator looks in comparison to Yuta’s friends from work, but because of how much he stands out in the reason of the gold make-up applied on the top of his cheeks. “Taeil told me he was just leading him on earlier, but I guess he got distracted.”

It’s hard to miss what Johnny is implying. Taeil is squeezed between the protective metal bars on the edge of the balcony and the kid. The sparkle in Taeil’s eyes as he looks up to stare at the boy’s face really contrasts with the Sailor Moon costume he is wearing. He is paying way too much attention to the other’s mouth to not mean anything. Jaehyun feels a wave of heat on his ears, reminding him that he is intruding on something nobody is supposed to see, and redirects his eyes to the floor.

It’s easy to talk to Johnny, even if Jaehyun can tell there is something on the back of his mind. It takes no effort to become involved in the conversation, and, as Jaehyun listens to Johnny’s words and anecdotes, he can’t help but wonder what makes Johnny so different from everybody else to Jaehyun. The lightness of their relationship is something Jaehyun isn’t able to replicate with anybody else, always feeling, instead, as if he may be taking the wrong step or the wrong turn.

Johnny’s silhouette on Jaehyun’s mind and life, ever since they met, has been clear and defined. And, as Jaehyun recollects the evening, he realizes that not only Johnny’s silhouette, but all of his traces and details, have been on the back of his mind, moving him, as a calming background murmur. The discovery doesn’t take Jaehyun by surprise, because he is able to comprehend that it isn’t new. It has always been there, but it seems like it finally got silent enough for Jaehyun to listen to the buzzing sound.

That way, Jaehyun doesn’t feel alienated to the closeness he feels to Johnny anymore. He is able to recognize it on the back of their relationship, without being sure, although, when it started, or if it even started someday, maybe it didn’t have a start, because it was always there. Jaehyun feels close to enchanted, as if he has been deceived by his own self, and, like a mirror on a circus, forced to distort every image he sees in front of him. Right now, as he hears Johnny talk about the last TV show he started to watch, the mirror breaks, and Jaehyun feels like he made an escape.

He raises his eyes to look at Johnny, and it is so simple to realize that Jaehyun feels out of breath. It is like sitting down in the middle of a night out and realizing you’re drunk. It’s easy to conclude, and the feeling of not being able to control it anymore, as if the chance has passed, is tangent. Jaehyun notices, on the back of his mind, and it expands through his whole body: he is in love with Johnny.

Something must bleed onto Jaehyun’s face, because Johnny stops talking and smiles, looking at Jaehyun with a playful and unsure look. “Is everything okay?” It’s the second time Johnny asks him that that evening. Jaehyun isn’t sure of the answer.

“Yeah,” he says, at last. All of his face feels very hot and heavy, his heartbeat is rapid against his pulses, and his tongue feels too big for his mouth. “I think I’ll grab a drink. What are you drinking? I can bring another one to you.”

Johnny looks at him with round and curious eyes as Jaehyun stands up. Jaehyun rubs his hands against the fabric of his pants, trying to get rid of the sweat. He can’t take his eyes off Johnny’s face, and feels a surge of insecurity as he notices that Johnny is trying to come up with words, as if he doesn’t know what to say to Jaehyun. The atmosphere between them becomes tense, and Jaehyun wonders what he did to make it that way.

“I’m just drinking water today,” Johnny answers, and also stands up, grabbing Jaehyun’s backpack and putting it on his shoulders. “I’ll go with you. But, actually, I wanted to talk to you about something.”

Jaehyun frowns his eyebrows, wanting to listen to Johnny. “What is it? You can say it now.”

“No,” Johnny declines. A little too fast, he can notice it by Jaehyun’s puzzled expression. When Johnny talks again, his voice is lower and the look on his face more relaxed. “Grab something to drink first. Then we can talk. In a more private place.”

Jaehyun agrees, nodding, because he can see that Johnny doesn’t want to talk right now, and Jaehyun doesn’t want to pressure him. Johnny seems grateful for it, flashing him a smile, before sliding the glass door to the right, making a space for him and Jaehyun to pass through into the apartment.

When Jaehyun enters into the kitchen, with Johnny a few steps behind him, the place is in an even worse state than before. The numbers of cups and pots distributed around the table, sink and on top of the cooktop seem to have doubled, and there’s a fresh pool of liquid on the floor that smells so strongly of vodka that it’s hard to doubt it’s anything else. A couple of girls are making out at the end of the kitchen, near the window, and they don’t seem to even notice that they aren’t alone anymore.

“What do you want to drink?” Johnny asks, ignoring the chaos of the kitchen. Instead, he opens Yuta’s refrigerator, looking inside.

Jaehyun stares at Johnny’s figure before answering. Even next to the refrigerator, he looks very tall and lean, the black and orange jacket nicely enhancing his shoulders. “Just water too, please.” Jaehyun ends up saying, too cognizant of Johnny’s sober state to try to risk getting drunk.

Johnny nods, and curves himself down in the direction of the fridge. As Johnny stretches his left arm to grab the bottle of water, his jacket recedes, and Jaehyun is able to see Johnny’s favorite watch peeking out, flashing on his wrist. Jaehyun can’t logically explain why he feels a fiery sensation under his stomach. He feels too aware of everything about Johnny, and it is almost claustrophobic.

Johnny opens a tiny plastic bottle of Yuta’s fancy water for him, and Jaehyun finishes it in two large sips, realizing how thirsty he really was, remembering that, the last time he had something to drink, he was still at work. The water leaves a cold sensation on Jaehyun’s mouth, and Jaehyun feels refreshed and grounded by that. When he looks up, Johnny is already looking at him, with a soft curve on his lips.

“Do you want to talk now?” Jaehyun asks.

“Yes,” Johnny answers. He looks calm and collected, as if he’s about to do something he knows he’s been preparing for. “Let’s go somewhere more private.” Johnny throws a glance to the girls making out, laughing softly.

It seems impossible to find a quiet place inside Yuta’s apartment, though. The living room and the balcony, where the party is actually happening, are full of people, all of them way too agitated and with too loud voices. The bathroom feels out of question, but the five people line in front of the closed door is a reminder of it. Johnny guides Jaehyun in the direction of Yuta’s room, with his fingers lightly circled around Jaehyun’s wrist, but, when he tries to open the door, it’s locked. Johnny decides to press one of his ears against it, and, a few seconds later, he lets out a snort and backs away from the door.

“Yeah, out of question.” He says, with a smile on his face, and turns to Jaehyun.

Johnny’s demeanor is more relaxed than it has been all night. Jaehyun is glad to notice that, but can’t feel the same. He and Johnny are across from each other on the hallway in front of Yuta’s bedroom door, with their backs pressed against opposite walls.

Johnny’s eyes are heavy on Jaehyun’s face, but it is impossible to decode what he is thinking. Jaehyun, on the other hand, feels overexposed and vulnerable, worrying that Johnny will read through him at any point. All of the sounds of the party are muffled to Jaehyun’s ears, the only thing he is able to focus on is Johnny.

“What do we do now?” Jaehyun asks, trying to fill the silence.

Johnny doesn’t answer it immediately. He sighs, and looks in the direction of the living room, clearly thinking. After some time, Johnny raises his eyes to Jaehyun, staring at him again.

“C’mon,” He finally says, taking a step closer to Jaehyun. Johnny grabs one of Jaehyun’s hands with more intensity than Jaehyun expected, and interlaces their fingers together, before pulling Jaehyun behind him across the apartment.

Johnny directs both of them out of Yuta’s apartment. Jaehyun is unable to pay attention to his surroundings, letting himself be guided by Johnny. He is way too focused on the feeling of his palm against Johnny’s hot one. So, when the harsh automatic lamp of the corridor lights up as both of them exit Yuta’s place, Jaehyun feels surprised.

On the other side of Yuta’s soundproof door, the silence is almost palpable, the only thing Jaehyun can hear is the low bass sound of the music, and the noise of Johnny’s Chuck Taylor All Star hitting the ground as he walks. Jaehyun notices that his palms are sweating, probably because of how erratic he feels, so pulls the hand connected to Johnny’s back, trying to unhook it from his fingers, embarrassed.

Johnny lets go of Jaehyun’s hand, but doesn’t rub his own on his pants or jacket to dry the sweat down as Jaehyun expected. The only thing Johnny does is turn to Jaehyun, a questioning look on his face.

Johnny opens the emergency exit door on the end of the hallway of Yuta’s floor, and the sensor lights immediately illuminate the rows of staircase of the apartment building in an ugly white glow. Jaehyun didn’t even notice where they were going, and stares at it surprised. Johnny bites his lower lip, a blush bleeding through his skin and the whiskers-marks drawn on top of it.

“Sorry, I think it’s the only private place we’re going to find here right now.” He explains.

“It’s okay.” Jaehyun responds, going through the door. After Johnny enters, he closes the door behind him, and turns to Jaehyun.

Even in the bad lighting, Johnny’s expression is not hard to decipher. It’s seriousness, enhanced by the frown between his eyebrows and the pout on his lips, makes it clear he is evaluating the best way of approach to the topic he wants to talk to Jaehyun about. He stares at Jaehyun deeply, as if he could find, hidden somewhere, a tip of how to do it in the best way. Jaehyun is sure his expression forms a question mark at this point, he doesn’t know what to do to alleviate the tension installed between them.

“I know this is a terrible place, but I really need to say something, and I don’t think it’s the best idea to do it at home.” Johnny starts, and Jaehyun feels so nervous he wonders if he is going to pass out. The sentiment must stain his face, because Johnny immediately adds. “I think I’m scaring you. It’s nothing bad, I think, I swear. It’s going to be okay.”

“Please, Johnny,” Jaehyun’s voice is hard and strained. “Just say it. I think I’ll have a heart attack.” Johnny snorts, with an apologizing look on his eyes, and takes a step closer to Jaehyun.

Rationally, Jaehyun knows it can’t be too bad. Johnny didn’t seem angry or mad throughout the evening, just agitated. Jaehyun tries to force himself to hold on to that, but, in the mess of thoughts running through his head, it’s so hard to focus on anything that doesn’t promise destruction.

The earlier talk with Sicheng comes to his mind, and how it became so clear to Jaehyun the transparency of his feelings and attitudes. It’s easy to conclude, then.

Johnny knows about Jaehyun’s feelings. Johnny, who knows him better than anyone, saw Jaehyun when he couldn’t even see himself. And, Johnny is so tender. This is the way he chose to let Jaehyun know his own secret. It’s a promise that he’ll keep it as a secret too, but that they need to recognize it. Even if, when they come home later, they both decide it doesn’t exist.

“I don’t know if you noticed, but I haven’t been going on dates lately,” Johnny speaks.

The sound of Johnny’s voice takes Jaehyun by surprise, for a moment he couldn’t even see Johnny in front of him, too involved in his own thoughts. Nevertheless, Jaehyun almost laughs at Johnny’s affirmation, as he doesn’t think there is a single thing he didn’t notice about Johnny. Especially if it leaves his absence much lighter than it makes heavy some other times.

“It’s not for nothing, Jae.” Johnny continues. Before talking again, he licks his lips, looking at Jaehyun with an almost scared expression. “It just stopped making sense, I guess. I’m not even sure it ever did. It was mostly fun, but didn’t have a lot of meaning, right? It’s fucking Tinder.”

For a moment, Jaehyun thinks Johnny will say that he met someone, that he is dating someone new. Maybe he wants to move out and live with them, or for Jaehyun to move out, so the person can live in their apartment, with Johnny. The thought of it makes Jaehyun’s eyes and nose burn. He doesn’t think he has anywhere else to go. It’s hard to listen to Johnny under the tempest that it’s his mind.

Johnny searches for Jaehyun’s eyes before speaking again. He only opens his mouth after Jaehyun nods, indicating that he is following the conversation. “But, we make sense, right? We mean something. I think we built, together, a really good relationship, and I think we shouldn’t be afraid to explore it. So, I guess what I’m saying is that we should try to be something. But, if you don’t want it, it’s okay, I know it is a lot to ask. And it won’t be weird if you refuse it, okay? Just think about it.”

Jaehyun feels his brain flatline, as he stares Johnny with furrowed eyebrows. But, as soon as Jaehyun feels a tremble on his hands, a reminder of his actual existence, it’s like his brain is a rock on a slingshot. It travels so fast that it’s hard to see it against the sky.

The first thing Jaehyun realizes is that Johnny is not, in fact, dating anyone, nor asking him to move out of their place so he can live there with someone else. Jaehyun feels almost stupidly relieved at that. So much, that he has to fight against the laugher threatening to escape through his mouth. It’s a bigger challenge than Jaehyun expects. There’s a line of electricity running through him, making Jaehyun feel like he doesn’t have total control of his body.

Jaehyun looks up to stare at Johnny, and Johnny looks almost like a statue, it is easy to notice emotions protected under a hard expression. It’s clear that Johnny is waiting for Jaehyun to make the next move, to decide what will be their next step. At that, Jaehyun feels like a kid discovering the lie under a fantasy. Johnny has planned this, none of the words he told Jaehyun were new, but repeated from his own imagination and projection.

And, it is that knowledge that makes Jaehyun certain that Johnny doesn’t know he is in love with him. Johnny, as he offered Jaehyun to make a bend in their friendship they could never unmade, believed that he had all of the quintessential information to make the proposition without any risks. He would never have offered himself to Jaehyun if he imagined how much he was truly wanted. The foundation of their relationship, that Johnny is so secure of, is hollow, and he still hasn’t noticed the echoey noise his shoes make against its ground.

The knowledge that blinds Johnny is the same one that gives Jaehyun a full view.

The light suddenly goes out, and Johnny immediately raises his left arm, waving it, trying to activate the sensor of movement. Jaehyun is able to hear the sound of Johnny’s watch hitting against his skin. When the ambient is illuminated again, Jaehyun’s vision of Johnny becomes so clear that he feels kind of delirious.

It’s so easy to comprehend what Johnny is offering to Jaehyun. It’s temporary, but it is the only chance Jaehyun knows he will ever get.

Jaehyun isn’t stupid and is aware that what Johnny is proposing to him is a transport until Johnny’s next step. Until he finds, in fact, someone that, just like Ten was, is fit for him to date and have a serious relationship with. Johnny is offering Jaehyun a fun and airily distraction, but, to Jaehyun, it’s an opportunity that won’t ever come twice. Jaehyun is too selfish, and too desperate, to let go of it.

“Okay.” Jaehyun’s voice sounds rough, as if he hasn’t used it in a long time.

It’s not enough for Johnny, and the force of his stare against Jaehyun is overwhelming. “What does that mean?”

“Yes,” Jaehyun answers. “We should try it. I don’t see why not.” The heat on his head is so strong and it makes so much pressure against his skull, that Jaehyun feels dizzy.

“Okay.” The smile and light chuckle on Johnny’s voice are easy to notice. He approaches Jaehyun, looking down to stare at his eyes. Johnny looks happy, with his lips curved, and, before he talks again, he stares at Jaehyun’s mouth. “Can I kiss you?”

There are no words in Jaehyun's vocabulary for him to answer. So, instead, Jaehyun nods.

As Johnny steps closer to him, Jaehyun wonders if the sound that his heart is making is loud enough to be heard by Johnny. It seems probable, with how strong Jaehyun feels it beating against his chest. However, Johnny doesn’t give any indication of noticing it.

The only thing Johnny does is direct his hands to Jaehyun’s waist, pressing both of their chests lightly against each other. Jaehyun feels unable to move, as if he is a big marionette, and there is no one to control him. His arms are heavy and dull on his sides, weighing him down, as if there were bags full of rocks on the end of Jaehyun’s hands.

Jaehyun almost doesn’t feel the first press of Johnny’s lips against his own. The proximity to Johnny makes him too distracted. Johnny’s heat, so close to him, invading all of Jaehyun’s space. Johnny’s smell, a mix of the manly and fresh scent of his favorite cologne, cigarettes and the cold autumn breeze. The way Johnny towers over Jaehyun, his big presence overlapping with Jaehyun’s body. It seems too much information for Jaehyun to be able to focus.

But, as Johnny pulls himself back, to look at Jaehyun one more time, Jaehyun feels the absence of his lips too much.

Jaehyun is the one who closes the space between them again. A surge of courage that is fueled by the need to feel close to Johnny again, to make a permanent print of Johnny’s body against his own. Jaehyun’s arms, hands and fingers move on instinct, to find their place on Johnny’s nape and tangle on his hair, the inside of his palm brushing against the dumb Naruto Konoha headband he is wearing.

Jaehyun feels delirious, trying to bring Johnny closer to him, until there isn’t a space between them. The pressure of Johnny’s hands on his waist makes Jaehyun bolder. Jaehyun pushes his tongue lightly against Johnny’s lips, asking for permission to lick the inside of his mouth.

Johnny immediately allows it, opening his warm and hot mouth. Jaehyun sighs in relief, sliding his tongue against Johnny’s, letting him guide their movements and set the slow and intense pace of their kiss. The heat inside Johnny’s mouth, the faint taste of the clover cigarette he was smoking earlier, the press of his body against Jaehyun’s. Everything makes Jaehyun feel erratic, as if his blood is pumping in an elevated velocity.

“Fuck,” Johnny sighs, he looks so handsome, with plumped lips and hair a mess from Jaehyun’s doing. He presses his lips against Jaehyun’s mouth again, quickly kissing him. The noise of their wet lips smacking makes Jaehyun feel like he’s losing his mind.

Johnny guides him backwards, a smile on the curve of his mouth, until Jaehyun hits the wall lightly. Johnny fits one of his legs between Jaehyun’s, and instructs him, with a touch under his jaw, to open his mouth. Johnny kisses him again, licking the inside of Jaehyun’s pink mouth hungrily and deeply.

Johnny’s other hand presses Jaehyun’s hips down. The friction of Johnny’s thigh against his clothed dick makes Jaehyun moan, unlocking his lips from Johnny’s involuntary. Johnny doesn’t seem to mind, immediately lowering his mouth to Jaehyun’s neck, to suck a patch of skin softly, before licking it.

Jaehyun can feel his dick starting to tent the front of his pants. The sensation of his groin rubbing against Johnny’s thigh completely distracts him from the kiss. Jaehyun lets his head fall back, hitting the wall behind him with a muted sound. Johnny keeps marking the skin of his neck, squeezing Jaehyun’s waist and hips. He helps Jaehyun force his hips down more roughly against his leg and smiles at the low moans that leave Jaehyun’s lips.

Jaehyun puts his arms around Johnny’s shoulders, hugging him. He feels the material of his backpack drag against his forearms, and Johnny kisses him again. The feeling of Johnny being so close to him is incredible, the way Johnny’s weight presses down on him. Jaehyun groans against his lips, lost in the feeling of Johnny’s hot and wet tongue.

Johnny, once again, stops kissing Jaehyun, and a whine leaves his lips before he can control it. Jaehyun hooks his fingers under the straps of his Kånken, pulling Johnny towards him, in an attempt to bring him closer.

Johnny lets out a chuckle, allowing Jaehyun to move him. He doesn’t kiss Jaehyun, though. Instead, he presses their foreheads together, and stares at Jaehyun with cloudy and honeyed eyes.

“Tell me what you want to do,” Johnny asks, his voice is low, and it resonates deeply on the breach of space between them. Jaehyun is unable to not notice the way Johnny’s pretty lips are shining, wet with their saliva. “We can keep making out, but if you want to have sex tonight, I think we should go home.”

“What do you want?” It’s impossible for Jaehyun not to ask. He wants to hear Johnny say that he wants him. It’s the lie Jaehyun will allow himself to bask in, pretending it means exactly what he wants it to mean. It’s what he wants to remember when everything is over.

“I want to fuck you.”

“Okay.”

All of the adrenaline leaves Jaehyun’s body on the way back home. Even though he is exhausted, it is like his brain is still overworking, and Jaehyun can’t stop the surges of thoughts that come to him.

The cold and rapid wind that enters through the Uber’s open window cools Jaehyun’s temperature, bringing him down from the high and mess of emotions he’s been feeling all day. Johnny’s distance also sobers him up. The space between them inside the car feels, to Jaehyun, much bigger than actually it is, and not even Johnny’s hand against his is capable of bringing him closer.

Right now, as he has a chance to reflect on the happenings of the evening, Jaehyun can’t stop thinking about how he had just walked himself into a trap.

Jaehyun wonders if Johnny knew about his feelings, if he would still want to sleep with him. It’s hard for Jaehyun to believe so. Johnny cares too much about their friendship to want to put it in that much risk. There’s no use in lying to himself.

Jaehyun can feel his heart getting bigger and heavier on his chest, occupying too much space, making him breathless. A shiver forces his fingers against his palms, and Jaehyun squeezes Johnny’s hand involuntarily. Johnny smiles, and squeezes it back, tracing his thumb across Jaehyun’s palm.

Jaehyun almost wants to cry. He is such a bad person. Jaehyun knows it too clearly, it’s obvious that he’s taking advantage of Johnny. What does this say about his morals and ethics? Jaehyun chose to say yes to Johnny, even knowing that he has a piece of information that would change everything, and he decided to keep it to himself.

Just the thought of having Johnny, even for the briefest period of time, makes it all worth it for him. Even if it’s just a fake copy of what Jaehyun really wants. Jaehyun is too selfish, too mediocre, too jealous, too coward, too greedy.

They both get out of the Uber, and Jaehyun realizes, with shame, that Johnny was the one who paid for the ride. He is still holding Jaehyun’s backpack, one of its straps hanging on the top of his left shoulder. He searches for his keys, with a distracted demeanor, patting the pockets of his pants.

Inside the elevator, as Johnny looks at him with a tiny smile and excited eyes, with all of the stupid Naruto characterization, Jaehyun knows it’s a lost cause. He won’t back down. He is not strong enough to let Johnny slip through his fingers.

Johnny and Jaehyun enter their apartment, and Jaehyun observes the familiar untidiness of the space. The used mugs of coffee left on the table, his books unorganized and stacked in the Ikea storage combination Johnny had bought for them when they first decided to move in together, Johnny’s fancy Sony headphones on top of the sofa.

Jaehyun knows that he can’t risk losing any of that. It’s a certainty that rages from the inside of his being, raising his temperate and fastening the beats of his heart. It’s impossible to imagine his life without Johnny in it, he refuses to do it.

And, truly, it’s simple. As Jaehyun looks at Johnny crouched down in their entry hallway, untying the lace of his shoes, he knows exactly what to do. It doesn’t come as a surprise.

Johnny is like a magnet of a compass to Jaehyun, and there is no other plan of action that isn’t following his lead. Until Johnny finds someone else, or simply doesn’t want him anymore, Jaehyun will be there for him. And, after, everything will be nothing more than a phase of their friendship, a change of dynamic that reinforced the strong bond between them, and a funny anecdote they will remember through the years.

“Are you still in the mood?” Johnny’s voice surprises Jaehyun, pulling him out of the mess inside his head. Before Jaehyun looks up, he finishes taking his shoes off, trying to buy some time to calm himself down.

“What do you mean?” It’s the wrong thing to say, Jaehyun knows, but it escapes his mouth involuntarily.

When Jaehyun raises his eyes to him, there is no playfulness in Johnny's eyes, only a very sober and serious stare. Johnny isn’t wearing the jacket, the headband or Jaehyun’s Kånken anymore, all of them abandoned on the table, and he has his arms crossed against his chest, the white of the shirt he is still wearing contrasting with the tone of his skin and his muscles, and it makes Johnny look very intimidating. Jaehyun has the impression of there being a thick glass wall between him and Johnny.

“Do still want to have sex?” He asks, and Jaehyun can’t hear any emotion in his voice. It’s clear that Johnny doesn’t want him to. “It’s not a problem if you don’t want to, Jae, but you have to talk to me. I understand if you changed your mind, just don’t shut me out.”

Jaehyun feels his eyes and nose burn, like there is an acid prickling him from the inside. Johnny’s words sound like a rejection to him, and he feels an inexplicable desire to cry. Jaehyun has the impression that he is losing Johnny before he could even hold him. He wonders how Johnny would react if he sat on the ground and started sobbing.

“I do, I’m sorry,” Jaehyun says. The agitation of his voice is clear, making it shaky. Johnny notices it too, the frown between his eyebrows a sign. “I’m just tense, I’m sorry. It’s been such a long day. But I want to, I want to very much. I swear, Johnny, I do.”

Jaehyun is not even sure what he so desperately wants. It’s more than sex, and it’s more than sex with Johnny. Jaehyun feels the need to be close to him, in any and every way he can.

“It’s okay,” Johnny’s voice sounds so different than before. It is so warm and inviting. He approaches Jaehyun softly, putting his left arm around his shoulders, to pull him into a hug. “Please, don’t worry. Everything is okay. You don’t have to apologize.”

It’s not true, but it is easy to believe it with Johnny around him.

As Johnny guides Jaehyun to their bedroom, with his warm hand around Jaehyun’s, everything looks okay. When Johnny sits down on Jaehyun’s bed and pulls Jaehyun in by the hands they have interlocked, until Jaehyun sits next to him, everything seems okay. Maybe, everything is okay when Johnny presses his lips against Jaehyun’s.

This kiss is very different from the one they shared at Yuta’s building staircase. It’s calmer, and Johnny is the one who asks to slide his tongue into Jaehyun’s mouth, one of his hands on Jaehyun’s thigh. The pace of their kiss is slow, and its noise loud in the otherwise completely silent room. Jaehyun adores the way his lips get wet from Johnny’s saliva.

Johnny, with a hand on Jaehyun’s waist and another one supported on the mattress, guides Jaehyun down, until his back is resting against the bed. The sensation of Johnny’s body pressing on him, and the weight of his chest pressing against Jaehyun’s, and his leg fitted in the middle of Jaehyun’s, makes him moan, almost relieved. Jaehyun is too aware of the feeling of Johnny’s crotch on his inner thigh.

When Johnny pulls back, Jaehyun whines and raises his spine, sitting up as he tries to follow Johnny’s tongue, to put it inside his mouth again. Johnny laughs, and gives in, bending in Jaehyun’s direction, to kiss him softly, quickly and without any tongue, before he distances himself again, looking at Jaehyun with warm eyes.

Johnny kneels on the bed, with one of Jaehyun’s thighs squeezed between his bended legs. At this position, Jaehyun can feel Johnny’s bulge against him more firmly. It is heavy against his thigh, Johnny’s growing erection pressing hot against it.

“I’m going to take my shirt off.” It’s a question. Jaehyun can feel Johnny’s eyes examining his face, waiting for permission. Jaehyun nods rapidly, too caught up by the want to see all of Johnny.

Firstly, though, Johnny unhooks his watch from his wrist. He stretches his body, towering over Jaehyun, to put it on top of the bedside table. And, before taking his shirt off, Johnny also lights up Jaehyun’s lamp, illuminating themselves and their bedroom with a warm and yellow glow.

It feels surreal to see Johnny like that. How the light shadows his skin, highlighting all the hard lines and the dips of his chest. Johnny’s skin and body looks so honeyed and beautiful that Jaehyun feels his hands twitching against the bed sheets.

“Touch me,” Johnny whispers. He takes Jaehyun’s limp hands and directs them to his chest. Jaehyun traces his abs with one hand, as the fingers of his other brush Johnny’s nipple lightly, making him sigh.

“Do you like that?”

Johnny doesn’t say anything, just nods. There’s a frown between his eyebrows, and his lower lip is squeezed under his teeth. When Jaehyun applies pressure to his right nipple, squeezing the already hard bud between his thumb and pointy finger, Johnny moans quietly and forces his hips down against Jaehyun’s thigh, and Jaehyun can feel that he is harder than before. Jaehyun is too, and the material of his dress pants do little to hide it.

Johnny kisses Jaehyun again, licking inside his mouth roughly, as Jaehyun squeezes his naked waist and plays with his nipples. One of his hands pulls at Jaehyun’s shirt, a silent request. Jaehyun tries to nod, obliging, but his tongue slips out of Johnny’s mouth, and he ends up licking his lower lip and chin. They both moan at that, and Jaehyun helps Johnny to unhook the too many buttons of his shirt of shaky hands.

With their shirts forgotten on the floor of the bedroom, Johnny lowers Jaehyun into the mattress again, feeling Jaehyun’s chest up with hot hands, as his tongue keeps licking and sliding against Jaehyun’s cherry and wet mouth and tongue.

Johnny is between Jaehyun’s open legs, and the only thing that separates their erections are the layers of clothing between them. Johnny thrusts his hips up, making them both let out a moan. It feels so good, and Jaehyun slides his hands against Johnny’s back, trying to press him closer, loving the sensation of Johnny on top of him.

“Pants,” Jaehyun idly says, too lost on pleasure to actually form sentences. The sensation of Johnny’s dick against his, and the way they hump together, is making Jaehyun crazy enough to know that, if they keep going, he is going to come.

“Yeah. Okay, fuck. You’re so good, baby.” Johnny answers, sounding very wrecked too. Jaehyun moans at Johnny’s words. It feels so good to be called that way by Johnny, it’s unbelievable.

He raises himself from Jaehyun’s body. Johnny sits on the bed and pulls down the black and orange track pants and his underwear at once. He throws them on the floor next to their discarded shirts, and kneels on top of the mattress again, with his feet under him. He looks at Jaehyun with big eyes, and his hands hover over Jaehyun’s crotch unsurely, asking for permission, Johnny only unzips Jaehyun’s pants after receiving a distracted nod of consent.

Jaehyun can’t barely focus on Johnny taking his pants off, mindlessly raising his hips when Johnny asks him to do it, and the feeling of the chilly air hitting his bare and warm skin almost passes unnoticed by him. Jaehyun is too distracted by the vision of Johnny’s completely naked body in front of him to pay attention to himself.

Johnny is hot, Jaehyun became aware of it ever since the first time he saw him. No one needs to see Johnny naked to know that. Johnny is very tall, he has large shoulders, big hands, muscled arms and chest, but he also has long legs and thick thighs and ass. The deduction is obvious, but it’s polite not to make it, to pretend that it isn’t absolutely clear, but Johnny also has a big and fat cock.

It’s difficult to ignore it, though, when it is a few inches away from Jaehyun, and it is half hard and heavy against Johnny’s hip. It is even more difficult as Jaehyun realizes that he is the reason for it.

Johnny dick is thick and long, and a noticeable vein traces all of its length, stopping at the uncut and bulbous head. Johnny’s cock, balls and inner thighs are a darker shade than the rest of his body, but still lighter than his nipples, and the contrast against the skin tones makes Jaehyun feel a bit dizzy, aware of the way his own cock twitches against his belly. Johnny, unlike Jaehyun, doesn’t trim or shave his pubes, and the dark and thick hair on his crotch and around his member is so attractive to Jaehyun that he feels his mouth salivating.

“You’re really handsome, and pretty too.” Johnny’s voice pulls Jaehyun out of his thoughts. When he raises his eyes to look at Johnny’s face, Jaehyun realizes that Johnny is looking at his body, and, more specifically, at his dick. Jaehyun feels embarrassed, a cool sensation uncurling at the pit of his stomach, but also a little bit like a hypocritical.

Jaehyun bends his right knee, the sole of his feet against the bed. It’s involuntary, a dull tentative of hiding his dick from Johnny’s view, trying not to feel overexposed. With the movement, he feels the cool air of the room hit against his hole, and the sensation makes Jaehyun clench and his cock twitch. Johnny’s stare feels very heavy on him, and Jaehyun knows he is flushed red all over, from excitement and shame.

Johnny puts one of his hands on Jaehyun’s raised knee, and the other on his other leg's inner thigh. He squeezes it lightly, and his touch feels cool against Jaehyun’s skin, and he flinches compulsorily, grabbing the sheets behind him. Johnny smiles softly at Jaehyun, looking at him warmly. Jaehyun gets distracted by Johnny’s face, his deep and gentle eyes, his bruised and plumped mouth from their kisses.

Johnny’s thumb rubs against the patch of skin where his inner thigh and butt meet, petting it softly, then Johnny presses harder against it and pulls Jaehyun’s cheek to the side, to expose his hole completely to him, Jaehyun whines, surprised and embarrassed. Johnny immediately lets go of it, moving to lay on top of Jaehyun again, squeezing Jaehyun’s sides with his large hands and planting a wet kiss on the top of his sternum. The movement makes their dicks grit against each other, and Jaehyun groans at that, feeling too overwhelmed, as he hugs Johnny’s body with his arms and legs.

“Baby, you are so pretty,” Johnny whispers, as he kisses Jaehyun’s face, his chin, his nose, his cheeks, his lips. “Are you going to let me fuck you?”

Jaehyun feels delirious and overwhelmed, and he is sure that he is drooling. He feels too sensitive. Johnny’s words, Johnny’s lips on his face, Johnny’s hands on his arm and on his chest, Johnny’s cock rubbing against his. “Yes, please, Johnny.” He answers, his voice curved in a moan, and Jaehyun closes his eyes tightly, trying to shut off some of the stimulation.

“Okay, baby. Thank you so much. You are so sexy.” The smile on Johnny’s face is perceptible as he kisses Jaehyun, his tongue warm and wet, and as he bites Jaehyun’s lower lip.

The sensation of Johnny’s body, weight and heat pulling back from Jaehyun makes him confused, but, at the same time, relieved. He takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself down, and runs his fingers through his hair, opening his eyes again. His cock is hard against his stomach, and the area below his belly button is wet with his and Johnny’s precum. Jaehyun grazes his palm lightly against his dick, hissing at the piercing sensation under his stomach.

Jaehyun observes Johnny as he crosses their room, his ass jiggling slightly as he walks. He opens the door of his side of the wardrobe, and, from the second drawer, grabs a box of condoms and a bottle of lube. When Johnny turns to get back into the bed, Jaehyun is able to see how hard he is, the erect dick bobbing against his lower abdomen.

Johnny sits down on the bed again, in the space he was occupying before, between Jaehyun’s open and bended knees, and he puts the lube and box of condoms next to them, near Jaehyun’s feet.

Jaehyun arches his back off the bed, to look at Johnny more clearly, supporting his weight on his elbows. Johnny’s cheeks and chest are tinted with a light shade of red, and he pumps his cock through a tight ring of his fingers, using his precum to make the glide easier, trying to relieve some of the pressure building up inside him.

“You’re so beautiful, Johnny.” Jaehyun says, as Johnny cleans his hand on the sheets underneath him, after letting go off his dick.

It’s true, and Jaehyun knows that his eyes are bleeding way too much emotion, not hiding the intensity of his feelings. Jaehyun realizes that he doesn’t care. He feels drunk and unable to control or preserve himself, too overwhelmed by the chance of having Johnny, naked, vulnerable and flushed next to him.

Johnny blushes and smiles, and Jaehyun laughs softly at his embarrassment. Johnny rolls his eyes, a mischievous curve on his lips and a glint in his eyes, and stretches himself on top of Jaehyun, to slide his tongue inside his mouth, kissing him hotly and slowly. Jaehyun moans into the kiss, pulling Johnny even closer with one of his hands on his nape, as he glides the other one down Johnny’s back, until it stops on the thick meat of his ass, and he grabs it to feel the muscle against his palm.

The movement makes Johnny buck up against Jaehyun, and their dicks rub together deliciously, harder than before, obliging both of them to let out low moans. The way Jaehyun can feel Johnny’s pubes drag against the mess of precum on his crotch makes him curse, and he takes the tip of Johnny’s tongue between his teeth, biting it softly.

Johnny noses Jaehyun’s neck, breathing hotly against it, as his tongue licks the skin wet with transpiration. “Can I finger you?”

Jaehyun kisses Johnny again before answering. He licks Johnny’s wet mouth, feeling his tongue up with his own, the pressure of their lips against each other, the way they slide together because of the excess of spit. All of it feels addicting to Jaehyun, and he relishes it. “Yes, please.”

Johnny gives Jaehyun a wet peck before distancing himself. He sits on his knees, and grabs the bottle of lube, squirting a generous amount on his fingers, and rubbing them together to heat up the liquid. When he raises his eyes to look at Jaehyun, his stare is heavy, and Jaehyun feels his heart thumping hard against his chest.

Johnny presses his right hand on Jaehyun’s knee, guiding his thigh up to rest against the side of Jaehyun’s body. With his other hand, he pushes Jaehyun’s other thigh out, making its lateral lie against the mattress. In this position, Jaehyun knows that his hole is completely exposed to the room, because of the way he can feel the cool air against his open legs. Johnny’s head is directed down, obviously staring at the tight ring of muscle, and the hand on the back of Jaehyun’s thigh, still pressing it against his belly, squeezes involuntarily, making Jaehyun whine softly.

Jaehyun’s hole clenches and unclenches without his control, an indication of how overwhelmed Jaehyun is feeling. The light trace of trimmed hair around Jaehyun’s anus contrasts deeply with his skin, making his hole look pinker. The weight of Johnny’s stare on his most private part makes Jaehyun moan in shame and excitement.

The first touch of the pads of Johnny’s fingers on his hole makes Jaehyun tremble and his cock twitch against his lower abdomen. Johnny grazes the pads of his index and middle finger against his hole again, more hardly, and Jaehyun lets out a high-toned moan, bucking his hips up, surprised by the stimulation.

“Johnny,” he whines, his voice is wet, and he wants to kiss Johnny again.

“You’re so needy, baby.” Johnny answers, raising his eyes to meet Jaehyun’s, smiling beautifully. Jaehyun nods, agreeing with him almost automatically, and he licks his lips, wetting his chin with the excess of saliva he is producing. “Don’t worry, I’m going to make you feel good, okay?”

Jaehyun is not able to answer him, though, because Johnny dips the tip of his finger inside Jaehyun. He moans as Johnny pushes his finger in until the last knuckle. With his thumb, Johnny presses against the end of Jaehyun’s perineum, the skin above his entrance, trying to give Jaehyun more stimulation, making him moan loudly. The feeling of one finger is welcomed by Jaehyun, the drag of Johnny slowly pulling it and out of him is amazing. Jaehyun feels himself sweat, the skin of his neck and face wet and hot, and his dick leaking precum near his belly button.

After a while, when Jaehyun starts to try to thrust his hips down to meet his finger, Johnny pulls his hands back from Jaehyun’s body to pump more lube on his fingers. Jaehyun hooks his hand under his knee to pull the thigh Johnny was keeping in place closer against him. The motion exposes his hole even more, and Jaehyun pushes the muscle out, moaning at the feeling of cool air hitting his channel more deeply because of the little stretch.

“Are you enjoying yourself, Jae?” Johnny must have observed Jaehyun’s movements, because there is a hint of amusement in his voice. Jaehyun nods, feeling himself flush more deeply at being caught.

Johnny hums, smiling, and looks at Jaehyun with warm and caring eyes. He wraps his wet fingers around Jaehyun’s cock, squeezing it against his palm, and Jaehyun moans, bucking his hips up, feeling the drag of Johnny’s hand against his length. Johnny moves his fingers, loosening his hold on Jaehyun’s dick, and only slightly flicking his wrist, putting Jaehyun at bay, making him whine in frustration at the too much, but too little stimulation.

Johnny tries to calm Jaehyun down, shushing him softly. He pushes his index inside Jaehyun’s hole one more time, in a swift and easy motion, and fits his middle finger until the first knuckle next to it, at a calm pace.

Jaehyun’s hole flutters against the intrusion, and Jaehyun thrusts his hips up, whining when that brings both of Johnny’s fingers deeper into him roughly, unprepared for the sudden motion. Johnny hisses and takes his hand off Jaehyun’s dick, to press it against the side of his hip, trying to lock him down in one place.

“Jae,” his voice is serious and hard, and it makes Jaehyun look at him, with wet and worried eyes. “Baby, you need to calm down. I don’t want to hurt you, but you can’t keep thrusting your hips up, okay?”

Jaehyun nods, rubbing his head against the pillow under his head. He feels his chest tight and his nose burning. Jaehyun blushes when he hears his voice, realizing how wrecked and broken it sounds. “Okay, Johnny, I’m sorry, I won’t do it again, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, baby. Don’t worry, it’s okay.” Johnny smiles at him, a cute smile, that fills up his cheeks, and it makes Jaehyun so happy.

Johnny, with one of his hands still pressing Jaehyun’s hip on the bed, pushes both of the fingers he has inside Jaehyun in, until they are at his knuckles. Jaehyun is sensitive, from the rough and sudden intrusion from earlier, but also from how much Johnny’s two thick fingers stretch him. Johnny doesn’t move his fingers immediately, petting Jaehyun hip with his other hand, trying to make him relax.

When Jaehyun’s heavy breathing seems to have calmed down, Johnny starts to move the fingers he has inside him. He flexes them briefly, to stretch Jaehyun’s tiny hole a bit more, and Jaehyun moans as he gets used to the feeling. Then, Johnny begins to slowly pump his fingers in and out of Jaehyun’s entrance, changing the angle of his upward wrist every time he pushes in Jaehyun’s warm and tight hole, looking for his prostate.

It’s easy to tell when he finds it, because of the loud and broken-down whine that leaves Jaehyun’s lips. Jaehyun’s legs move without his consent, bending towards him, and he feels suffocated by sudden weight on his chest. Johnny lets go of his hip, allowing Jaehyun to thrust against his fingers repeatedly, making him push his prostate against the tip of Johnny’s fingers with force.

Jaehyun whines at all the stimulation and he can feel a burning sensation uncurling under his stomach, hot, fiery and delicious. He knows that he is going to come and welcomes the sensation, moaning loudly. But, suddenly, a tight grip around the beginning of his sack and length stops him, impeding him from orgasming. He groans in frustration, confused, kicking his legs out in shock.

“Fuck, Jae,” Johnny’s voice sounds so rough and agitated. When Jaehyun opens his eyes to look at him, Johnny’s face is very flushed, and he is looking at Jaehyun with round eyes, and a shocked expression stains his face. He lets go of Jaehyun’s sack and takes his fingers out of Jaehyun’s hole. The absence of stimulation grounds Jaehyun a little, calming him down from the whiplash of sensations. “I should have let you come, I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me, fuck, I’m sorry, baby. I can make you come now if you want.”

It’s clear that Johnny is embarrassed, and Jaehyun’s brain isn’t working on its full capacity to completely understand why. So, he stretches his arm to grab at Johnny’s wrist, pulling Johnny towards himself, for him lay on top of Jaehyun. Johnny allows it, almost pliant, and lets Jaehyun bite his lips, and kiss him, sliding his tongue against the roof of his mouth, his teeth and his tongue.

“It’s okay,” Jaehyun whispers against Johnny’s lips. “I want to come with your cock in me.”

“That’s hot,” Johnny answers, pecking Jaehyun’s lips.

He doesn’t seem so ashamed anymore, but there is still an insecurity printed on his eyes and a deeper tint of red on his cheeks. Johnny pulls back from Jaehyun, to be able to look directly at his face, without any distractions. “I’m sorry, Jae, though, I really am. I just saw you were going to come, and I thought it’d be a good idea to edge you. I’m really, really sorry. I should have asked before.”

Jaehyun feels embarrassment heat up his face and neck at Johnny’s words, but the way his cock twitches reveals their majority effect on Jaehyun. He hugs Johnny’s body with his arms and legs, pulling him closer, and hides his face on Johnny’s neck, noising the skin under his jaw.

“It’s okay, I mean it.” He says, trying to reassure Johnny, sucking hickeys on his neck distractedly, and then brushing his tongue over them, to relief the skin. Jaehyun feels less tense than he has been all night, the awkward situation humoring him. “Just, you know, warn a guy before. I got confused.”

“I’m so sorry,” Johnny repeats.

“It’s fine, Johnny, I swear.” Jaehyun reinforces, an impatient whine curving his tone. He crosses his ankles against Johnny’s tailbone, pushing his hips down to rub their dicks together. Neither of them is totally hard anymore, distracted by the happenings of the evening. “Fuck me, please. It’s all I want.”

Johnny stares at Jaehyun’s eyes, observing him for a minute, before nodding and kissing his left cheek. He pulls back, kneeling on top of the bed one more time, between Jaehyun’s open legs. Johnny searches for the forgotten box of condoms in the mess of the bed, and when he finds it, he takes one foiled package from it.

Johnny pumps more lube on his fingers, warming it, before pushing two fingers into Jaehyun’s hole, wetting it and checking the stretch. Soon, Johnny is pushing a third finger inside Jaehyun’s entrance, making Jaehyun whine at how full he feels. Johnny’s fingers meet Jaehyun’s prostate consistently, feeling up the bundle of nerves slowly, pressing against it deliciously. Johnny uses his other hand to stimulate the head of Jaehyun’s cock, glazing its palm against the slit of Jaehyun’s dick and rubbing Jaehyun’s frenulum with his thumb. The mess of lube on Johnny’s hand and Jaehyun’s precum making the glide easier and amazing.

“Johnny,” Jaehyun says, and the tone of his voice is wet and high-pitched, and his vision is blurry because of his watery eyes. Jaehyun puts the crook of his elbow against his face, feeling too overwhelmed by the sensations Johnny is inflicting on him, trying to hide himself and shut off some of the stimulation. “I’m going to come if you keep going.”

“Okay,” Johnny says, but doesn’t pull his hands from Jaehyun’s body. “Do you want to come now? We can do that if you want. It’s no problem. Tell me what you want to do.”

Jaehyun lets out a frustrated whine, and his cock leaks more precum on Johnny’s hand, as the pads of his fingers brush Jaehyun’s prostate in a different angle. Jaehyun presses his bended knees against Johnny’s sides, squeezing him between his legs.

“I want to feel your cock. Please, just put it in me. I’m coming to come, please, Johnny, please. I’m so loose now, it’s going to fit, Johnny.” Jaehyun is babbling, too occupied trying to not orgasm to filter his words. He feels like a taut elastic, just a few seconds away from snapping.

“Fuck. Okay, I’m going to fuck you now. I’m going to pull my fingers out now.” Johnny answers, out of breath, affected by Jaehyun. He takes his fingers from Jaehyun’s body and is able to see the way Jaehyun’s entrance slightly gapes, showing off the pink color of his channel and its wet insides from the lube.

Johnny groans, and jerks his cock a few times to the view, hissing when he feels the pleasure like a high tone note on his body. He opens the foil package and unrolls the condom on his hard dick. Johnny pumps more lube on his fingers and slides it against his length, holding the base of the shaft with his other hand.

He moves on the bed to lie down on top of Jaehyun. Johnny’s cock glides against Jaehyun’s perineum and balls on the way, and Jaehyun moans, bucking his hips up, trying to chase the feeling. Jaehyun still has his face hidden on the inside of his elbow, and Johnny supports himself with one arm against the bed. He cups Jaehyun’s jaw with the other hand, petting the skin with his thumb.

“Look at me, Jae,” he says, and slides his dick up and down Jaehyun’s crotch, provoking him. “I’m going to fuck you now, baby. Don’t you want to watch?”

Jaehyun nods, and, after breathing deeply, takes his arm off his face. Johnny smiles when he looks at Jaehyun, noticing how flushed his skin is, how shiny with unshed tears his eyes look, the plump and cherry bruise of his mouth. Jaehyun's tinted chest rises and falls slowly, following the rhythm of his respiration.

Johnny lets go of Jaehyun’s jaw and brings his hand to his member. He lines up his cockhead to Jaehyun’s hole, rubbing and pressing against it, to tease both of them. It takes a while to push Johnny’s tip inside of him, because Jaehyun keeps tensing up, clenching and unclenching his entrance and bucking his hips up and down, unable to fully relax, too excited.

Johnny distracts Jaehyun with a sloppy kiss, basically drooling inside Jaehyun’s mouth, unable to focus on the movements of his tongue as he pushes his cock deeper into the heat of Jaehyun’s hole. Jaehyun can’t stop whining, petting one side of Johnny’s face with his hand, while the other grips the sheets on the bed.

The feeling of Johnny’s fat cock dragging against his walls make Jaehyun feel dizzy and stupid. And, when Johnny bottoms out, all of his thick length inside of him, he is trembling, his thighs visibly shaking on Johnny’s sides. He hugs Johnny, hooking his arms around his armpits to press his nails on Johnny’s shoulders and his ankles around his hips. Jaehyun feels overwhelmed and so full, and there is a burning sensation on his ass mixing with pleasure. He can’t do more than cry out, whining Johnny’s name repeatedly.

Johnny takes Jaehyun’s hair out of his face, and Jaehyun moans at the feeling of Johnny’s hands on his face so gently and the cool air hitting his forehead. “Tell me how you’re feeling, Jae.”

“Good,” Jaehyun can barely say. He is too distracted by the way his hole is pulsating around Johnny’s cock to try to make out sentences. “Fuck, Johnny, you’re so big, fuck, fuck, fuck. I can’t believe it, fuck, I feel so full.”

Johnny smiles, and it is so obvious that he is pleased by Jaehyun’s reaction. He plants a kiss on Jaehyun’s lips before speaking. “Can I move?” Jaehyun immediately nods, moaning. He can’t think of anything that he wants more.

Johnny starts slow, not pulling out completely before thrusting back, but the force that his hips slap against Jaehyun’s is strong, making them both moan at the sensation. Soon, though, Johnny finds a good rhythm, and speeds the velocity of his thrusts, leaving only the tip of his cock inside Jaehyun’s hole every time he pulls back.

Jaehyun is crying out little staccato moans on Johnny’s neck. He is too sensitive, and everything feels like it is too much. The sounds of their hips slapping together, their chests pressed together, rubbing wetly with the sweat, the sensation of Johnny’s balls slapping against the middle of his open legs, the drag of Johnny’s big dick on his channel, and even the noise of his mattress creaking and the bed hitting against the wall.

Johnny angles his hips, searching for Jaehyun’s prostate. Jaehyun whines wetly when he finds it, clenching his hole tighter, shocked with pleasure. Johnny moans as well, hissing, and starts to piston his hips more roughly and faster, aiming for Jaehyun’s sweet spot every time, pressing deliciously against it.

“I need to come, Johnny. Fuck, help me, please, Johnny.” Jaehyun begs. He feels like everything is too much, the build-up pressure inside of him clouding his mind, making him unfocused.

“Okay, I will.” He answers fast, with a deep voice.

Johnny sits up on the balls of his feet, kneeling on the bed. His cock slips out of Jaehyun’s hole with the movement, making Jaehyun cry out. Johnny tries to calm him down, shushing him and calling him sweet pet names. Jaehyun legs are thrown on top of him, bended, and he presses them down and sideways, opening his legs up more, until Jaehyun’s pink and puffy entrance is totally exposed to him. He holds Jaehyun in this position, pressing his knees against his thighs to keep him in place.

“Baby, can you touch your cock, hm? Can you do that for me?” Johnny asks, raising the volume of his voice, trying to get Jaehyun to focus on him. It works, because Jaehyun’s soft eyes stop at his face, and he gives Johnny a fucked out smile. Johnny smiles back at him, staring at him intensely, trying to keep his attention. “I will fuck your hole and you fuck your fist, what do you think about that? It’ll make you come. Are you going to do that for me, baby?”

“Yes, yes, anything.” Jaehyun answers, he is still looking at Johnny, but his voice sounds distant and dazed.

Jaehyun slides his hand down his body, and Johnny thinks that he will grab his own dick. Instead, he forms a loose ring around Johnny’s cock and flicks his wrist rapidly, and Johnny whines, surprised at Jaehyun’s touch. “What are you doing, baby?”

Jaehyun smiles, his tongue lolling out to rest against his lower lip and chin. He moves his hand one more time, to the base of Johnny’s shaft and feels his balls up, sensing their weight and texture on his palm. Johnny moans deeply and squeezes Jaehyun’s knees, pressing down on them more strongly, exposing his hole to the room even more.

Jaehyun takes his hands off Johnny's balls, and his eyes are glued to Johnny’s body, amazed by it. He raises his hand up again, and, this time, presses it against Johnny’s crotch, and he tangles Johnny’s damp pubes around his fingers, pulling them slightly, making Johnny let out a loud whine, bucking his hips up into Jaehyun’s hand.

“Jae,” Johnny calls out again. Jaehyun follows his voice, locking his eyes with Johnny’s heavy stare. He wants Jaehyun to come first, and his maneuvers are making it very difficult for Johnny to keep that in mind. “Let me make you come while you jerk off, please.”

Jaehyun nods, and takes his hand off Johnny, and Johnny smiles gratefully, de-escalating as he rubs his thumbs on the side of Jaehyun’s knees.

He looks for the bottle of lube on the bed and, when he finds it, lets go of one of Jaehyun’s knees to grab it. He pumps the liquid in one of Jaehyun’s hands, and guides it to Jaehyun’s dick, closing both of their hands against his shaft and sliding them up and down slowly. Johnny only pulls his own hand back when Jaehyun starts moaning, clearly caught up by the sensation.

“I’m going to fuck you now.” Johnny warns, squeezing the back of Jaehyun’s thighs. Jaehyun tenses and moans, squeezing his cock, feeling the precum leak on top of his belly. “Relax your hole, baby. C’mon.”

The slide into Jaehyun’s hot hole is way easier this time. Both Jaehyun and Johnny moan at the feeling of Johnny’s dick filling Jaehyun’s channel. Johnny, feeling himself on the verge of coming as well, immediately starts rocking his hips in and out of Jaehyun, changing angles, trying to find his prostate one more time. It doesn’t take him long to push the bundle of nerves with his dick, making Jaehyun whine. He tries to move his legs, to bring them to his chest, to get a better sense of control of the stimulation, but Johnny’s heavy hands pressing them down against his sides unable him to, holding him in place, and Jaehyun moans at that.

Jaehyun increases the pace of the stroke of his hand on his cock. Johnny’s movements make him bounce on his cock, pressing against his prostate each time, and fuck up into his tight wrist. Jaehyun rolls his eyes, lost in pleasure, and drool runs down his face from his open mouth.

He comes like that, the orgasm busting through him unexpectedly, making him gasp and whine, surprised. A hot feeling expands inside Jaehyun, causing his legs and arms to tremble and long spurts of cum to shoot out from the head of his cock, landing even above his belly button.

“Fuck,” Johnny groans at the feeling of Jaehyun’s hole tightening around his cock. He stops his movements and lets go of Jaehyun’s thighs, guiding them down on the bed, helping Jaehyun to stretch them.

He observes Jaehyun come down from his orgasm. The way his dick slowly gets soft, and his breathing becomes less erratic, the way his muscles spasm involuntary, including his hole, that squeezes around Johnny from time to time, making him hiss, and the flush on Jaehyun’s skin calms down and gets back to a sweet and light pink. When Jaehyun closes his eyes and seems to melt against the mattress, totally relaxing, Johnny smiles.

“Jae, I’m going to pull out now, okay?” Jaehyun nods, and opens his eyes lazily, shifting his head on the pillow to look at Johnny at the end of the bed.

Johnny leaves Jaehyun’s channel slowly, but it still makes Jaehyun hiss and complain. Johnny pets his thigh, trying to distract him from the pain. It’s not a surprise that he is sensitive, his hole is a stark shade of pink, almost cherry, its entrance is puffy and gaping, slightly protruded out, and Jaehyun moist insides from the lube are easily visible.

“Can you show your hole to me, baby? I want to come looking at it.” Johnny asks, as he sits on the bed between Jaehyun’s legs. He is relieved by the sensation of finally taking his weight out of his knees and sitting on his butt.

As Johnny takes the condom off his dick, throwing it on the ground next to the bed, Jaehyun nods, sighing deeply before pulling his knees to his chest, too tired and glazed to feel ashamed. The position gives Johnny full view of Jaehyun’s loose hole, soft dick and his wet inner thighs and perineum. It doesn’t take Johnny long to come, jerking his dick off fast and sloppy, bucking up into his hand, while the other grips on the sheets. The sensation of letting go of the pressure inside him is amazing, and his cum leaks on his fist as he moans.

After a few minutes, Jaehyun feels a change of weight of the mattress. He opens his eyes and stretches his legs, raising his spine off the bed to see Johnny crouched on the floor, fumbling with their discarded clothes. Before Jaehyun can ask what he is doing, Johnny rises on his feet again, holding the white shirt he was wearing earlier. He rubs it against his hand, cleaning his cum off of it.

He throws himself in the bed again, at the end of it, making it squeak under his weight, and looks at Jaehyun with a tiny smile on his mouth and relaxed eyes. “Do you mind if I clean you up?”

Jaehyun can feel his ears burning in embarrassment, but shakes his head, allowing himself to drown even more deeply into the lie he is constructing by using Johnny. He indulges himself into the new category of intimacy he has unlocked with him, wanting to be taken care of by him. It’s like Johnny is a glass of cold water, and Jaehyun is so thirsty, he wants to consume Johnny more and more, all he can grab, without limits until it’s taken away from him.

Johnny slides his shirt on Jaehyun’s belly, cleaning the half dried cum on his skin, and, also, between Jaehyun’s cheeks, trying to make the fabric absorb the lube. It isn’t perfect, but it’s enough to not be bothered by it anymore. After he is done, Johnny throws the shirt back on the floor, and moves on the bed, lying down next to Jaehyun.

Johnny is the one who interrupts the silence installed in the room. His voice is deep and bare, and Jaehyun can feel him staring at his profile heavily. “Did you like it?”

“Yes, I did.” Jaehyun says, and he feels like his mouth is full of cotton balls. It’s hard to be so aware of Johnny, and Jaehyun can perceive a feeling of overburdening growing on his chest, making his eyes and nose burn. He tries to shut it down and turns his neck to stare back into Johnny’s eyes. Looking at Johnny almost makes it worse, but Johnny is so handsome, and his eyes are so gentle that it’s impossible. “What about you?”

Johnny smiles timidly, and a mix of mischievous and shame bleeding on his face. “Of course I did.” His expression suddenly turns serious, and he bites his lips before talking. “I’m sorry about stopping you from coming, though. I know it must have sucked to be caught by surprise like that.”

“Johnny,” Jaehyun whines, relaxing and rolling his eyes and not being able to hold on a chuckle. “I already said it was okay. Please, don’t worry about it.”

Johnny lets out a laugh, and it’s clear that he is embarrassed. “Next time, I’ll ask you first, I swear.”

Johnny’s words hit Jaehyun unexpectedly. The confirmation that Johnny wants to do it again scares him. Jaehyun realizes that what he is doing with Johnny is, at the same, a blessing and a punishment for him. He doesn’t try to lie to himself, Jaehyun knows that it will be hard to let Johnny go after having him so close, and an instinct of self-preservation raises its flag, warning Jaehyun. It’s very easy to ignore it, though, as Jaehyun stares at Johnny’s kind eyes and blushed cheeks.

Jaehyun smiles at Johnny, silently agreeing, hoping that that is good enough of an answer. Before he can really check it, Jaehyun moves on the bed, to lie on his side, with his back turned to Johnny, and stretches his arm to turn off the lamp on top of his bedside table.

The darkness brings him relief, building in Jaehyun a feeling of security and a distance, serving as his protector. However, the illusion doesn’t last for long. Johnny slides one of his arms across Jaehyun’s waist and interlocks their ankles together, breaking through whatever wall Jaehyun thought was in the making, and kisses the nape of his neck wetly, wishing him a good night in a whisper.

Jaehyun doesn’t know for how long he stays awake, feeling Johnny’s hot breath against him, showing him that, sometimes, what burns, also relieves.

Jaehyun doesn’t need to check the clock to know that it is still early in the morning. It’s clear by the temperature of the bedroom, by the light that bleeds through the open window, by the soft sound of the street outside and, specially, by the heavy silence of the room.

The first thing Jaehyun sees when he opens his eyes is Johnny’s face. He is still asleep, one side of his face buried on Jaehyun’s pillow, and his expression is very relaxed and calm. Like that, Jaehyun can’t help but notice, Johnny looks very young. There is an intimacy and vulnerability in the action of staring at Johnny while he sleeps that makes Jaehyun’s chest feel tighter.

He decides to sit up on the bed, trying to escape the feeling. But, as he moves, the soreness on his muscles and on his ass make themselves known, and everything worsens. Jaehyun feels like there are walls closing on each side of him. He looks at Johnny again, and the vision of Johnny’s naked body so pliant on his mattress, of the way his flaccid cock rests against his inner thigh, feels so overwhelming to Jaehyun that he has to stand up.

Their room is so messy. The clothes they were wearing last night are still on the floor, including the shirt Johnny cleaned them up with, the used condom and its empty package too.

Johnny’s bed, across the room, is not messy, though. It’s perfect, its sheets are stretched out against the mattress and Johnny’s pillows don’t have a wrinkle on them. Jaehyun tries to remember the last time Johnny slept an entire night on his own bed, and his nose and eyes burn when he can’t do it.

Jaehyun starts to feel out of breath, and his hands shake on his sides involuntarily. Trying to get a sense of control, he grabs everything that is scattered around the floor, bundling it up on his trembling hands, and goes to the bathroom. There, Jaehyun throws the condom and its package out on the tiny garbage bin, and their clothes on the basket for laundry. However, it’s all in vain to calm Jaehyun down. He still feels unhinged, and, when he looks at his reflection in the mirror above the sink, Jaehyun has to bite his lower lip to deny the urge of screaming.

Jaehyun feels trapped, like he is in a box without breathing holes. He doesn’t know what to do to make it better. He feels the need to scream, to cry and to break something. Anything to make the heavy and overpowering feeling of frustration and defeat go away. But he can’t do anything, he is too aware of Johnny’s presence in the apartment. It is as if Johnny is a ghost, paralyzing Jaehyun with his invisible and weightless camp of force.

Jaehyun enters back in their bedroom. Johnny didn’t change positions, he is still sleeping soundly on the bed, unaware of Jaehyun’s absence next to him or even Jaehyun’s agonizing feelings. Jaehyun takes advantage of that, opening his side of the wardrobe and grabbing the first clothes he can get his hands on.

Jaehyun takes a quick shower. He scrubs his skin with force, trying to clean and muffle his own awareness of last night. Jaehyun feels his heart beating very fast against his ribs, the sensation of it dictating the rhythm of his actions, of the way he slides his hands against his skin and the rough motion of entering his fingers into his sore hole, trying to clean up the lube that wasn’t expelled out during the night.

Jaehyun feels like he is in a race. After he finishes showering, he barely dries his body down before putting on his clothes. Jaehyun leaves the apartment in a hurry, the adrenaline and anxiety pushing him forward. He leaves without any of his belongings, all of them, his keys, cellphone and wallet, forgotten in the backpack in the living room. As he runs down the stairs, too agitated to wait for the elevator, Johnny’s face flashes on his mind, and Jaehyun briefly wonders how he will feel when he realizes Jaehyun left without even a text or a note.

He shuts this thought down, forcing himself to focus on the cement of the sidewalks hitting against the sole of his shoes as he walks. Jaehyun has no idea of what time it is, but everything is closed, and the streets are empty, with only cars passing by from time to time. It gives Jaehyun the feeling of living in a haunted city, forgotten by time, and he finds a strange comfort in that.

He doesn’t know where he is going until he arrives at it. As if Jaehyun was waking up from a daydream, he is shocked when he finds himself standing in front of Doyoung’s building.

The sentiment doesn’t last long, though, and Jaehyun is filled with the urgent need to talk to him. It all makes sense, then. Jaehyun knows that he needs Doyoung. He needs the agency that only Doyoung’s presence is capable of tricking him into thinking that he has it. Jaehyun needs Doyoung to feel real.

Jaehyun presses the number of Doyoung’s apartment on the buzzer. Nobody answers it, so he does it again, and nobody answers it again. Jaehyun is on the verge of tears, a panicky feeling rising on his chest, and presses it again, and, after a few seconds, Jungwoo, Doyoung’s roommate, answers it.

“Who the fuck are you, and what the fuck are you doing at seven in the morning?” Jungwoo’s voice is angry and rough, and it’s obvious that he was sleeping.

“Jungwoo,” Jaehyun almost screams, so relieved to hear his voice. “Is Doyoung there, or is he at Taeyong’s?”

“Jaehyun?” He doesn’t sound mad anymore, just incredibly confused. For a moment, the call stays silent, and it’s clear that Jungwoo is thinking about what to say. When he talks again, the exhaustion is explicit in his voice. “Yeah, he’s here, Taeyong is too. I’ll let you in.”

Jaehyun is able to hear the sounds of the buttons that Jungwoo presses on the buzzer, and the front door of the building unlocks automatically. Jaehyun enters it, feeling an adrenaline rush through his body as he rides the elevator. Jungwoo is waiting for him in front of the open door of the apartment. He looks tired, with dark bags under his eyes and leftover glitter from Yuta’s and Sicheng’s party glued to his face.

“Are you okay? Do you know what time is it? Why aren’t you at home? By the way, aren’t you guys in a fight? What are you even doing here?” Jungwoo bombards Jaehyun with questions, observing Jaehyun take his shoes off, and following him as he enters deeper into the apartment. “You know what, Jaehyun? Fuck you. I can’t believe you woke me up at this time of the day. I don’t want to know anything about yours and Doyoung’s freaky twincest relationship. Fuck that. Are you okay or not?”

Jaehyun turns to Jungwoo, and puts his hands on his shoulders, trying to calm him down. Jungwoo stops talking, looking at Jaehyun attentively. “I’m okay, don’t worry. I’m sorry I woke you up.”

Jungwoo sighs, blinking at Jaehyun. It’s impossible to decipher his expression, but Jungwoo’s eyes look calm, and, when he speaks, so does his voice. “Dude, it’s no big deal. You look kind of crazy, though. Are you sure that you are okay?”

Jaehyun blushes at that, recoiling his hands from Jungwoo’s shoulders. He knows he must look very agitated. Jaehyun feels like his insides are vibrating with nervousness, and, how this translates to his exterior, it’s something that he isn’t very excited to acknowledge. Jungwoo looks worried, and Jaehyun can’t blame him, he is just a victim of Jaehyun’s own chaos.

“I’m fine,” he reaffirms. “I just need to talk to Doyoung. I’m sorry for waking you up.”

Jungwoo nods, but doesn’t say anything else. It’s probably obvious that this is something that Jaehyun can only resolve with Doyoung. Jungwoo smiles at him, unsurely, before turning to walk towards his bedroom.

Entering in Doyoung’s bedroom after they broke up is always kind of a shock to Jaehyun. Not because of old memories, but because of how different everything is from before.

When Jaehyun and Doyoung were dating, Doyoung’s bedroom was just a space that they used to spend some time together, separated from their friends. It could be any other place, the fact of it being Doyoung’s room was mostly a coincidence and a convenience. Now, though, with Taeyong, it’s clear that Doyoung’s bedroom isn’t just a bedroom anymore, but a home.

All of the cold and minimalistic style that Doyoung had adopted for practical reasons is gone. The walls, before stark white and cold, are filled with Taeyong’s art, doodles and drawings, some of them even made directly on the wall. There’s a coziness in the mess of the ambient, and nothing feels forgotten or that was put there without a history or reason. Taeyong has his own place, but it’s obvious that him and Doyoung mainly live here, not only because of the last generation Wacom tablet that Taeyong uses for work on top of the desk, but because of how domestic everything in the room feels.

“Jaehyun?” Taeyong’s confused voice startles Jaehyun, who was occupied staring at one of Taeyong’s drawings glued on the wall. It's a cute one, with a bunny and a tiger hugging each other. Taeyong is on his back, supported by his elbows on the bed. He is looking at Jaehyun with huge and worried eyes. “Are you okay? What are you doing here?”

Jaehyun doesn’t need to answer, because it is obvious, so he just stares at Taeyong. He nods and sits up, making the sheets that were covering him slide down, showing off his bare chest. Jaehyun flushes, embarrassed by the suggestion that they are both naked under the covers, and the implication of the reason for it. Taeyong doesn’t seem to mind, though. He just pats the lump next to him on the bed, trying to wake Doyoung up.

“What, babe? Let’s sleep. It’s early.” Doyoung’s low and rough tired voice resonates in the room. He shifts his position on the bed, moving the covers, stretching his hand to reach Taeyong, probably to pull him back into bed, and his messy hair and closed eyes become visible to Jaehyun.

“Jaehyun’s here,” Taeyong whispers, looking at Doyoung, holding and squeezing his hand. “He needs to talk to you.”

Doyoung immediately opens his eyes at that. He stares at Taeyong’s eyes with frowned eyebrows, and Taeyong doesn’t say anything, just nods and turns to Jaehyun, pointing at him with his chin. Doyoung sits on the bed, and the covers fall from him, making his naked chest also visible. He stares at Jaehyun with serious and dark eyes, and Jaehyun can feel himself getting more tense, his body language becomes defensive under Doyoung’s stare.

“What happened?” Doyoung’s voice, though, doesn’t sound hard when he speaks. It’s soft, the sleep bleeding into it, but, especially, the distress.

It feels almost like a slap on Jaehyun’s face. He suddenly feels overwhelmed and an acid burns under his face, urging him to cry. Jaehyun doesn’t answer Doyoung, too afraid of how his voice is going to sound like when he speaks.

“I’m going to go to the living room.” Taeyong breaks the silence between them. He climbs out of the bed, wrapped up on one the sheets.

He walks towards the window, at the opposite side of the room, and grabs, from the coat rack, their clothes. Taeyong throws some of them on the bed to Doyoung, who puts on the black tank top and shorts still sat on the bed, covered by their sheets. Jaehyun feels his ears burn in shame, too aware of how his presence is disrupting them.

“You don’t have to go. I know he’ll tell you later.” Jaehyun speaks without his control as Taeyong passes through him to get to the door. It sounds almost bitter coming from his mouth, and it shocks him. It’s a defensive mechanism, even if Taeyong hadn’t done anything to threaten him.

When Taeyong turns to Jaehyun, his eyes are still huge and worried. He ignores Jaehyun’s tone, and opens the door before speaking, with a sweet voice, and tiny upwards curve on the side of his mouth that doesn’t translate happiness. “You two should talk alone.”

The bedroom becomes dark again when Taeyong closes the door behind him. It’s not unlit enough that Doyoung and Jaehyun can’t see each other. The sun bleeds through the closed blinds, illuminating everything softly.

Doyoung shifts his position on the bed, sitting up on its edge, with his feet touching the floor. Jaehyun moves too. He takes the office chair from under the table, rolling it in Doyoung’s direction. After Jaehyun sits down on it, they stare at each other in silence, but the print of Doyoung’s analyzing eyes feels heavy and loud on his body.

“Are you safe?” Doyoung is the first one to break the silence, he has always been the braver of them. Jaehyun nods, looking down. He feels tears on his eyes, and breathes in deeply, trying to keep them from falling. It feels so nice to have Doyoung’s care directed at him, almost relieving. “Okay, that’s good. Tell me what happened, then.”

Jaehyun sighs and raises his eyes to look at Doyoung again. It’s so hard to speak. Jaehyun feels like there is a knot on his throat, keeping everything locked in, forbidding him from communicating. It is like a curse, it feels, to Jaehyun, that comes from a force bigger and stronger than him, that is able to control him and trap him down.

“Did you ever do something selfish just to get what you wanted?” Jaehyun asks, only being able to reach what he really wants to say indirectly.

“You know I did. I did it with you, I dated you,” Doyoung whispers, breaking the tense silence built after Jaehyun’s question. When Jaehyun looks up to stare at him, Doyoung’s smile is so sad, and his eyes are too shiny. “You know this better than anyone, Jaehyun. I took your love because Taeyong wouldn’t give me his.”

There’s a tone of defeat in his voice, and Jaehyun understands it. It’s an injury on their friendship that healed, but its scar is so present that it’s impossible to turn their eyes from it. It’s a heavy weight that they care around, and, sometimes, it is too difficult to share it.

Before Jaehyun can argue it, to say that he also used Doyoung, that he was so hungry for love that he decided that Doyoung’s was enough, even if it wasn’t meant for him, Doyoung speaks again, “Tell me what happened. I won’t judge.”

Even if Doyoung hadn’t said it, Jaehyun would still know it. The reminder is nice, though. It helps Jaehyun to feel safer. “How did you know I have feelings for Johnny?” He asks, and the curiosity licks fire into his chest. Doyoung was the first one to see Jaehyun.

Doyoung’s expression remains serious, but his eyes clear up with understanding. “It was just a guess, really.” He says, and his voice is quiet. “It’s not like it is obvious. Nothing about you and Johnny is obvious, for that matter. You guys don’t really flaunt your relationship, so it’s hard to know what is happening from the outside. I just had the impression that something had changed. You kept looking at him, and for him in the room when you weren’t together that day, I don’t know.”

Jaehyun feels shame burn on his ears at Doyoung’s words. He tries to ignore it. “I do. I think I’m in love with him. I know, actually, I’m sure of it.”

“Okay.” Doyoung says, with a clear voice and frown between his eyebrows, looking at Jaehyun, focused. It’s obvious that he is organizing his thoughts, trying to think about what to say and do next. Jaehyun feels relief drown his chest, just the hint of Doyoung’s proactivity is enough to calm him down, to bring him back to a more practical world. “Have you told him?”

“No.” It’s easier to talk now. Jaehyun feels like he is helping Doyoung to unroll a map. “I had sex with him.”

“What?” Doyoung’s voice gets louder. He looks surprised and confused, as if that had messed up with a plan he had on his mind. “What the fuck, Jaehyun? When did that happen?”

“Last night.”

“What the fuck?” Doyoung’s eyes look like they are going to pop off from his skull, “why are you here, then?”

“It felt so hard seeing him this morning. I freaked out.” Jaehyun can already feel the knot on his throat forming. He doesn’t try to stop it this time, though. It feels so good to surrender himself, to not fight against it anymore. “I took advantage of him, Doyoung. He offered himself to me, because he is lonely, and I couldn’t say no. I didn’t want to. I want him too much. He trusted me, with him, with our friendship, and I just threw it all away, on a bet, as if it has no kind of value.”

“He is going to hate me. I know it. He is going to think I don’t care about him, that I lied to him to get what I wanted. And he’s right, Doyoung. I’ll lose him, and I won’t get him back. He’ll hate me and will never want to see me again. He is going to move out and find some else, and tell them about me, and about how much of a shit person I am, and they’ll hate me, and Johnny will hate me even more.”

Jaehyun feels hot tears slide down his cheeks. It all feels too much. He is taken over by an avalanche of emotions. Doyoung cups his face and dries Jaehyun’s tears with his fingers as they keep falling. Jaehyun’s heart feels like a race car, and Jaehyun feels like he let the wheel go, allowing it to control itself, submitting himself to it.

When Jaehyun starts coughing, and snot comes out of his nose, Doyoung stands up. He helps Jaehyun to get up from the chair and guides him to the bed, laying him down on it. Doyoung sits next to him, and runs his fingers through Jaehyun’s hair, taking it off his face, in an attempt to comfort him and calm him down. Jaehyun is so hot at touch, and Doyoung isn’t sure of what to do. There is no use in drying Jaehyun’s tears, because they won’t stop falling.

Time stops making sense.

Jaehyun continues to cry on Doyoung’s bed, looking scared, and Doyoung keeps staring at him, holding his hand, as he waits for Jaehyun to calm down. When Jaehyun’s breathing isn’t so erratic anymore, and his chest only slightly trembles as the air enters and leaves his lungs, the sun that comes through the closed blinds is stronger, and Doyoung and Jaehyun can see each other completely. Jaehyun’s tears look like a river sliding down his face.

“Are you okay to talk and listen?” Doyoung asks. Jaehyun nods, without taking his eyes out of him. Doyoung’s expression is serious, but his eyes are soft as he looks at Jaehyun. “Did Johnny ask you to be friends with benefits?”

“Not exactly,” Jaehyun’s voice is rough from the crying. He feels calmer, though. Doyoung is a problem-solver, and hearing his concentrated tone is a relief to Jaehyun. It makes Jaehyun feel that there is a paved way to where he is going. “I don’t think that Johnny wants to label it or make it a big deal. To acknowledge it.”

“Okay.” Doyoung answers. He looks like there are a million thoughts going through his mind. He focuses his eyes on Jaehyun’s again, before speaking. “What are you planning to do?”

“Nothing. I’m going to follow Johnny’s lead. When he wants to stop it, we will forget about it.” Jaehyun sighs, and his chest feels so much lighter. He presses his hands against his face, rubbing his eyes to stop crying.

The action of answering direct questions brings Jaehyun a sense of relief and reality. Jaehyun doesn’t feel trapped inside the curves of his own mind anymore. Things are simple, for every action there is an immediate consequence, and nothing else.

There is no need to overthink it.

Suddenly, and then all at once, Jaehyun feels an exhaustion soak his body and his mind. Doyoung seems to notice it too, because he doesn’t ask Jaehyun anything else, allowing him to completely relax. The sound of their breathing fills Doyoung’s bedroom up, and it transforms into a background noise that enraptures them in an isolated world.

When Jaehyun’s eyes become droopy, blinking heavily and slowly as he fights sleep, Doyoung stands up. He shifts the covers of his bed, tucking Jaehyun in, and calls Taeyong back into the room. Jaehyun falls into a deep sleep squeezed between them, feeling Doyoung’s and Taeyong's body heat around him.

When Jaehyun wakes up, he is alone on Doyoung’s bed. He can hear muffled noises coming from outside the bedroom, sounds of laughter and television, and Jaehyun opens his eyes. The room is dark, and there is almost no light coming through the closed blinds. Jaehyun moves on the bed, wanting to see the hours at the clock on the bedside table.

It’s five o’clock in the afternoon, and Jaehyun rises from the bed in a rush. He feels puffy from sleep, exhaustion and all the crying of earlier, and his body and muscles ache with the fast movement. Jaehyun barely notices it, though, too distracted by the feeling of urgency on his chest. He is in a hurry to leave Doyoung’s apartment, with the image of Johnny’s face imprinted on his mind.

As Jaehyun steps into the living room, looking for the way out, he is able to see Jungwoo, Doyoung and Taeyong. They all look showered, with soft clothes and damp hair, and Jaehyun immediately feels his ears burning, aware of how much of a mess he must look. As they notice his presence, Doyoung and Jungwoo unglue their eyes from the TV, and Taeyong raises his eyes from his cellphone, to look at Jaehyun.

“Hey,” Doyoung breaks the silence on the room. He is looking at Jaehyun with a warm smile and calm eyes. “Did you sleep well?”

Jaehyun nods. He feels himself blush under their stare. It’s too obvious that they are worried for him, and it’s hard not to be ashamed. Jaehyun is too aware of the inconvenience that he was in the morning for them. Still, Jaehyun can’t help but feel happy as he looks at Doyoung’s eyes, relieved that they are on good terms again. It feels like Jaehyun is carrying a much lighter weight on his back now.

“Good.” Doyoung replies. Taeyong and Jungwoo smile too, agreeing with their heads. “We were waiting for you to wake up to order delivery. What do you want to eat?”

“I can’t stay. I need to go home,” Jaehyun answers.

It’s not easy to refuse it. Jaehyun doesn’t want to leave Doyoung’s house, it feels too safe. Johnny doesn’t leave Jaehyun’s mind, though. When Jaehyun left their apartment early, his return didn’t even cross his mind, but Jaehyun also never expected to stay out so long. He can’t imagine how Johnny is feeling, if he is mad, or confused, or doesn’t care at all. The idea of finding out scares Jaehyun, though, whatever may be the answer

“I’ll call you an Uber, okay?” Taeyong interrupts Doyoung and Jungwoo, who are obviously preparing themselves to argue with Jaehyun for him to stay, to, at least, eat with them before going. Jaehyun nods, grateful for Taeyong. He doesn’t trust himself enough to not bend if Doyoung and Jungwoo ask him to. Jaehyun is too weak and too scared, and the promise of a safe place seduces him.

As Jaehyun says goodbye to them, Taeyong offers to keep Jaehyun company downstairs while he waits for the Uber to arrive. Jaehyun accepts it, and they leave Jungwoo’s and Doyoung’s apartment. Taeyong is clearly wearing pajamas, but they don’t meet any neighbors in the elevator or in the building’s lobby, so he isn’t embarrassed.

“Are you okay?” Taeyong asks Jaehyun. He tries not to smile or laugh at Taeyong’s words, but it’s impossible. It’s so obvious that Taeyong wanted to talk to him in private. Taeyong's actions are so transparent.

It’s cold outside, and they are waiting for the Uber sitting on the front stairs. Taeyong is hugging his body, trying to keep warm, but Jaehyun lets the cold autumn breeze run through him, enjoying its cold lick on his skin. It’s a good sensation, and it relaxes Jaehyun, making him breathe easier.

“Who told you?” Jaehyun questions, turning his head to stare at Taeyong. Jaehyun’s eyes are almost playful, but there are too many things at risk for it to not be heavy. “Was it him, or Doyoung?”

“He called me. He wanted to know if I knew where you were.” Taeyong answers, with a quiet voice.

Jaehyun doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t know what to do with this information. Jaehyun doesn’t even know how to feel. It is like a rock that presses down on him. It doesn’t suffocate him, but it’s heavy enough to keep Jaehyun stuck in one place. Looking around, waiting for something. He doesn’t know if it’s more stones or salvation.

The Uber arrives, and Jaehyun stands up to walk in its direction. Taeyong only allows Jaehyun to get inside of the car after he checks if the plate and the driver’s name match with the information he has on his phone. When Jaehyun tries to open the door, Taeyong stops him, and Jaehyun raises his eyebrows at him, questioning it.

“Can I ask you something?” Taeyong says, staring at Jaehyun with shiny eyes. Jaehyun nods, worried. “Did Johnny wash his face when you guys got home last night?”

“What the fuck, Taeyong?” Jaehyun exclaims. “No, of course not.”

“Oh, Jaehyun,” Taeyong sighs, and his eyes are huge while he stares at Jaehyun. “You fucked him while he had the Naruto’s whisker-marks painted on his face.”

And, then, Taeyong laughs. It starts with a smile, with a chuckle, but it grows to full-bodied laughs. Jaehyun stares at him, in shock. Flashes from the night before run through Jaehyun’s mind, and he tries to grasp one to confirm it. When Jaehyun realizes that Taeyong, in fact, is right, he can’t help but start laughing too.

It’s not that funny. It makes no sense that Jaehyun is laughing that hard. He laughs until his cheeks and face gets numb, until his eyes get watery and he can barely see Taeyong in front of him. Jaehyun laughs until he forgets what he is laughing about, until he starts, instead, crying.

**Author's Note:**

> hello, again!
> 
> i hope you liked reading it!
> 
> please comment what caught your attention, or expectations, anything you want lol
> 
> [thats the twitter i made to rant about writing bc was getting embarrassing to do it in my irl acc lol](https://twitter.com/neomarxist127)
> 
> we'll see each other for part two!!


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